Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. robot@craigslist.org robot@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2010-07-07T12:10:51-07:00 2 daily Stanley Park Seawall For Sale - Granite Blocks http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1830504092.html The Vancouver Seawall is getting demolished and getting replaced by a new concrete retaining wall. The current wall is constructed of granite blocks. Estimated volume of blocks is approx 890m3. The blocks will be sold as is, buyer to provide trucking, we will demolish and load the material. Any reasonable offer will be accepted for the stones. To inquire please call Shaun Office @ 604-952-xxxx Cell @ 778-228-xxxx Cheers <img src=http://blog.craigslist.org/1830504092.jpg> <ul> <li> Location: Stanley Park <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-07-07T12:10:51-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1830504092.html Stanley Park Seawall For Sale - Granite Blocks text Penis Measuring http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1625829503.html A friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. We've tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, but neither one of us buy it. I don't want to see his penis and he doesn't want to see mine. I don't want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn't was his looking at mine. So... We just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. We can't pay much. $50. <ul> <li> Location: Vancouver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: $50 </ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-03-02T18:01:20-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1625829503.html Penis Measuring text We found your beer bong http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1592047485.html We found your beer bong outside Earth and Ocean Sciences last Sunday night/Monday morning. Just wanted to let you know that it's safe, and it's in the hands of an experienced group, and we have been using it. Just a couple notices on the construction: The mouth piece that you had connected to the ball valve was about a half foot in length. I know that this is the length they'll sell you at Home Depot, but cut it down to 2-3 inches maximum. When you have a half foot of tubing, it creates a fairly large air bubble you're going to have to take in before you even get to the beer, and it makes for a very full stomach when you're putting 2-3 beer in. We noticed you only used one hose clamp at the funnel-tube connection. They're only $0.80, we always used them on the tube-valve as well. This is what they're made for afterall. Happy bonging! <ul> <li> Location: UBC <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-02-08T14:34:25-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1592047485.html We found your beer bong text Natalie Davidson, I have one question.. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1572755558.html To my heart and my better half, Natalie Davidson, Ten months and sixteen days ago, I left my heart in Vancouver. It was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do, but it was worth it. My love for you grew stronger as I counted down the days until I would see you once more. Every kiss, every touch, every glance had to last until the next time. Every time I would hear your voice on the phone, I came alive again. It has been ten long months... but those months apart cannot compare to a lifetime together. I remember when you told me about your guilty pleasure, CL's missed connections. I had never heard of it. I thought it was bizarre, but you called it hopeful and romantic. You described how beautiful it is for one to explore this measure by just being affected by a glance or a smile. I felt your passion. I felt your love for love. Most importantly, I felt myself falling in love with you. Baby, you and I are hardly a missed connection. But the same day you told me of your guilty pleasure, you told me you secretly wished to have one written for you. I know I'm a few years late on this one... Today I will be reunited with my heart for good. And when I finally kiss you and hold your hands in mine, I will remember that not all connections are missed. In a few hours, I'll call you to wake you up like I do everyday. You'll go for your work out and come home to shower. At 9am, you'll check your emails and read missed connections like you do everyday. At roughly 12:45pm today when you pick me up from YVR, you'll answer the question I've been dying to ask for the past three and a half years. I love you. Forever yours, Julian Harper <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-27T04:50:28-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1572755558.html Natalie Davidson, I have one question.. - m4w text obnoxious drunk irish guy at the workless party on NYE - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1533217064.html We were hitting it off at first and even shared a New Years kiss. You were pretty hot and had a sexy accent. I would have gone home with you (hey, it's new years!) had you not turned out to be such an obnoxious creep. I don't know how it works in Ireland, but here are a few tips for us in Canada. 1. The way to a girls heart is not to ask her if she is a lesbian simply because she doesn't enjoy your stumbly smelly drunk friend trying to grind with her when she is completely sober and there is no one else dancing. 2. The way to a girls heart is not to point out your hard-on to her every five seconds. Yes, I know it's there and yes it's mildly flattering. But we don't need to keep talking about it. Maybe you could have offered to buy me a drink or tell me I was pretty. 3. The way to a get a girl to come home with you is not to angrily storm into coat check, pushing over the rack of coats, cutting in front of a huge line of people and loudly demanding "THIS CHICKS COAT RIGHT NOW PLEASE BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF KNOW WHAT I MEAN OI?" 4. And...when I was taking care of my friend who was puking....it was so nice to have you there beside us in the alley, staring at us and asking me if "she was done yet" when I clearly already told you that you had blown your chances and that I was going to stay with my friend. Thanks for coming back multiple times and staring at us from around the corner when you thought we weren't looking. That's class right there. 5. Coming up to me later and yelling "IM GONNA FUCK YOUR FACE" was also much appreciated, the cherry on top of an otherwise excellent night!!!!11 The sad thing is the jerk who this is meant for probably won't see this ad and will continue sexually harrassing women during his stay in our country, but maybe someone else could use the pointers. Regardless, I had a pretty good time on NYE. It was nice to go out and spend it in the company of my best friend even though she was sick. You know who you are, love you! <ul> <li> Location: commercial drive <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2010-01-01T15:20:21-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1533217064.html obnoxious drunk irish guy at the workless party on NYE - w4m text its Jared here, with COUCH-WOW http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1490581754.html Hey Folks, Jared here. I have a terific new product here to show you.. ITS COUCH-WOW.... and for a limited time only you too can enjoy this wonderful couch. AND ITS YOURS FREE.... thats right for just 3 easy payments of $0.00 you too can have this couch.. its a great deal.. and its all yours FREE... BUT WAIT.. THERES MORE... email.now and ask about express pick up... thats right you can pick it up right now.. FOR FREE... BUT WAIT.. THERES MORE... for a limited time only ... cause you know i cant do this all day... for the first emailer to ask.. I WILL HELP YOU LOAD IT INTO YOUR TRUCK... FOR FREE.... now you ask how this deal can get any better.. well here it is... again for a limited time only.. i will also throw in the places where the CATS SCRATCHED THE COUCH... unbeleivable?... I KNOW.. but its all yours for free.. email now.. our operators are standing by <ul> <li> Location: Coquitlam <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-12-01T15:43:46-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1490581754.html its Jared here, with COUCH-WOW text This ad SOLD, This ad RENTED http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1423276575.html Got to get something off my chest here, something that pisses me off. If you sell something, if you rent something out to someone, if you successfully trade for something, then take the god damn ad off of craigslist. Seriously. What are you, bragging? "Eww, look at me, I'm so smart. I sold something. And you'll never get it. La la la. Sold sold sold." What I don't get is the mindset. Like you sell something to someone. You put a blue coleman cooler on craiglist. Some person phones you up, emails you, and they say "hey, word up, I need a blue coleman cooler. Sell it to me. I'll buy it off you for 8 dollars." And you are smiling, thinking "no shit? 8 bucks? 2 more dollars and I'm in the double digits. Lucky day." So you arrange a meeting over 4 emails and buckaroo shows up with ten bucks hoping you've got a twoonie change. And you do. You jumped in the couch, throwing the cushions all willy nilly, here and there, cousteau'ing for some change and you find it and you have it in your pocket but you are kind of pissed off because this guy knew it was 8 dollars and he didn't take the time to get change? What the fuck. Motherfucker. But you are honest and you just kind of want to get rid of that blue coleman cooler so you're like "yeah, I got two dollars change." But buddy, he wants to check the cooler out first. He opens the lid, gives it a look, kicks the tire sort of thing. Sold. He gives you a ten and you give him a two and you'll never remember the colour of each other's eyes. And then what do you do? You log on to your stupid email account, click the link to your ad, and you edit it. You put SOLD at the end of your craigslist ad. You could have pushed the delete button. Could have just gotten rid of the ad forever. But instead you EDIT the fucking posting so now every time someone is looking for a blue coleman cooler they have to see your hairy ad mocking everyone. 2 Bedroom Apartment for rent - RENTED. What the fuck is that about? If I wanted to peruse rented apartment buildings I'd walk around the block. Rented. Rented. Rented. They're all rented. Every house, every apartment in my neighbourhood has lights on at night. People live there. The habitats are all RENTED. I don't need you hopping on to the craiglist and letting me know that yours too is now rented. Sorry, RENTED! You missed out slouch! You slacker mother fucker. That's what your ad is telling me. "Hey slacker motherfucker. Screw you pal. Should have needed this yesterday, you prick." I hope the next time you go to a restaurant every thing you order has already been ate. What's the soup of the day? It's the soup of yesterday. SOLD. How's the pasta? Al Dente? No. Al RENTED. Why is the menu blank? Because we sold everything on the menu so we TOOK IT ALL OFF THE MENU. In fact, this isn't even a restaurant anymore. Now it's a god damn tire shop. Sorry for the confusion. We probably shouldn't be running ads saying we have food SOLD OUT. We are open CLOSED. My favourite colour is blue RED * UPDATE * GREEN. Other than that, I think everything is great and I hope you have a fantastic day. <ul> <li> Location: Craigslist <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-10-15T15:59:19-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1423276575.html This ad SOLD, This ad RENTED text The word "cunt" has lost its edge http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1410768883.html I think it's time for a worse swear than "cunt". It used to be that was the absolute top of the swearing hierarchy. You could stop any discussion just by flashing the joker of all swear words. I mean... wow. Cunt. it's got two hard consonants. Not only that, but they are at the beginning and at the end. Come in with a crash, go out with a bang. And the 'u' gives it that really short syllable sound. See, the word "fuck" is similar, but it's just too undecided. First off, it begins with sort of a foo foo sounding letter... fffff, I mean what's that? Then as far as the meaning, well it's just not focused enough... could be a noun, could be a verb... you can combine it with other words, there's just no direction. Make up your mind. Now... "cunt", there's a word that knows exactly what it's trying to say. It doesn't need a context. But now everyone's on the cunt bandwagon, and it's just not the same anymore. There isn't that thrill of "ooohhh, who's gonna top that?". It's just mundane everyday now. We need something that can be applied to anyone, an equal opportunity word like fuck or cunt but worse. Cuck? Nah, that's too much like cock. What about Funt? No, that just sounds like gay football or something. So, anyway, if someone's got any ideas... run it by the rnr panel of judges, and we'll let you know if yours is a winner. For now, let's slow down on the usage of cunt... like antibiotics. And don't forget to wash your ass. This has been a public service announcement. . <ul> <li> Location: time to tighten the scrotum strap <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-10-07T11:06:10-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1410768883.html The word "cunt" has lost its edge text We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1297013842.html First of all, I'm sorry for walking in on you like that; Though one of the hazards of relieving yourself in public is the lack of privacy. Maybe next time you could whistle or something so people can't just walk up on you like that. I thought you were cute from the start. I liked the way your face was scrunched as you tried to force out that last nugget. It was really quite endearing, and I wish I'd had the time to admire you just a little longer. The way you screamed at me, I can tell you're a confident, self-assured woman that has more experience than her young, softly-soiled skin lets on. I know you can't be much more than 20, but I could swear that you have the maturity of a much, much older woman. Finally, the way that you used your foot to brush your excrement under the dumpster showed just what a classy, courteous woman you are. Most people wouldn't even take the time or concern to even cover their mess up, let alone move it away. But not you; You're a real lady. In any case, you can usually find me at the Swiss Chalet between 1 and 3 most days, picking some lunch out of the trash receptacles (all you can eat lunches make for some good pickins.) Come on by and we'll split a salad (And maybe butter up a breadstick too!) <ul> <li> Location: Abbotsford <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-07-30T09:56:40-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1297013842.html We met behind the dumpster at the Husky Station - m4w text So like yesterday I was on the West Vancouver bus and like http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1245350387.html So, I was like on the way to Vancouver from like the West Vancouver ferry docks. Like there were these like 6 or like 7 girls who got on and came to like downtown Vancouver and like no kidding, like they were like totally talkative all the way...like really like talkative. Like they would not shut the F up. So, like as I was like saying, as they got on the bus like near Marine Drive, like it was like a total insanity ride. Like there were these 7 girls - probably about like 14 or 15 years old who would like not stop talking. There was no conversation, like because every one of them was like talking non-stop - like every second.. Like, I totally feel like sorry for their parents, because like it was just uncool...like it really annoyed me. Like Totally. Like I would hate to be their parents, like I might have to pull their tongues from their throats or something. So like any ways... Not only that, but like also, like there was an insane amount of like repeated words...not like the word "like" or anything. So, like it got me thinking...so like what if these chicks had their mouths taped up for the hour long busride that it took? Like really? Like what would they do without like talking all the time? SO - after an hour on the bus, like I was totally just tired. Like girls...I know he is like so cute and all, and like that dress that you are thinking of wearing, like it just won't go with that new shade of like Luminere lipgloss and all, but like whoa - Like how can either one of you have like a conversation with each other like when each of you is like talking nonstop? Like that is not a conversation...ok? Like totally not! Oh and like yeah, girls...like maybe you should like get like a thesaurus or like something, because the word "like" is becoming like really fucking annoying and like maybe another word in it's place will like show any amount of education and like creativity that like you might still like have left. Like really! Like totally like get a grip on using another word...like there are a good dozen to choose from...like check it out ok? Main Entry: like Part of Speech: adjective Definition: similar Synonyms: according to, agnate, akin, alike, allied, analogous, close, cognate, commensurate, comparable, compatible, conforming, consistent, consonant, corresponding, double, equal, equivalent, homologous, identical, matching, near, parallel, related, resembling, same, such, twin, uniform, allying, approximating, approximative, coextensive, congeneric, congenerous, equaling, in the manner of, jibing, much the same, not far from, not unlike, on the order of, relating, selfsame, undifferentiated Notes: use 'like' when no verb follows; use 'as' when a clause follows (which has a subject and a verb) Antonyms: different, dissimilar, unlike Like to me, you really sounded like uneducated stupid self centered little brats who could not shut the fuck up and let the passengers or the driver sit in peace for a few minutes. Like I'm glad when you finally left the bus, because I was like tempted to bust all the teeth in all your mouths, so like you won't be able to like talk any more and then you will not be able to annoy all of us.. LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKE... <ul> <li> Location: it's like the total way to Vancouver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-06-29T10:31:58-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1245350387.html So like yesterday I was on the West Vancouver bus and like text Lets Trade Places: Married for Single Life - w4mw http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1230203861.html I am a 29 year old female who is looking to try married life for a month. Around ten years ago I swore to myself that I would never get married (reasons being: parents, books, Sex in the City…). As my thirtieth birthday approaches I have begun having doubts in this decision. Perhaps I would like being married, having children, taking care of a husband. I want to find out if the choice I made is right in a practical and tangible way, and what better way then trying married life for a month. So I am hoping to trade places with another woman who is interested in the life of a single girl, and would not mind me trying out her life for 30 days. Your Life: I think we can agree that you should be around my age. It might be slightly awkward if you and your husband are middle-aged. However, you should have an established and relatively happy marriage. I do not want to intrude on newly-weds, and moreover, I do not want to find myself in a broken and pending on divorce marriage. I am open to a variety of ethnicities; however, I do not want this experience to be a month of adapting to cultural differences (I think dealing with married life will be enough, thank you). This means I am looking for more of an average Canadian marriage. If you have children that is fine. Yet, you should know I regularly kill house plants (though an absent green thumb, not purposely), so bear this in mind when considering your children. Perhaps you husband could take the leading role in looking after them. As for your husband, he should NOT be a wife beater, dealing with drug or alcohol abuse issues, serious mental health problems, and so on. He should be “marriage material” so I can get the best possible experience of this type of life. I would prefer that he is healthy as well. As for you, you should be willing to move to Vancouver for a month and have the vacation time to do so. You should be financially stable, and able to get by on your own. Most importantly, you should have an open mind. My Life: You would be trading your married life for an apartment in Yaletown and a Mini. I have a group of girl friends who you would spend most of your time with doing activities such as exercising, eating out, dinner parties, movie nights, shopping, and so on. They will help to set you up on a series of first dates (what happens there is up to you). You can use the in-suite gym and swimming pool, and would have access to my wardrobe (size four). My mother will call you every second day and discuss how your younger sister has the most beautiful child and husband, and then move on to how disappointing it is that you cannot find a man to settle down with. You can be quite sure that a series of ex-boyfriends will call you up between the hours of 12am and 3 on the weekends (again, what happens there is up to you). I am hoping to find some normal people, with an open mind (but not too open). If this sounds like a good experience for you please contact me by email and tell me about your married life and any questions you may have. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-06-19T16:06:43-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1230203861.html Lets Trade Places: Married for Single Life - w4mw text 155' Car/Passenger Ferries http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1180482167.html WEb Address: www.harlowmarine.com - email: sales@harlowmarine.com Listing # MV 445 & MV444 Price: $1,100,000.00 CDN$ each Condition of sale: as-is-where-is Type: Twin Screw – Double ended Ferry Size: 155 x 40 x 9.0 Gross Tonnage: 355.04 Class: CSI HT II (minor waters) - current Flag: Canadian Built: 1972 Builder: Vancouver Shipyard Co. Ltd. Location: Fraser River, BC Canada Speed: reported at 10 Knots Power: 2 x Cat 3406 - 650 BHP (hrs not known – new in 2008) Emissions: engine exhaust has a catalytic converter to reduced emissions. Gear: Twin Disc 5114 Auxiliary: 2 x Deutz Generators 25KVA Steering: Hydraulic Prop: 40” x 33” - open wheel Drives: 2 x Ulstien Drives - model 370H Construction: all steel Vehicle Capacity: 26 vehicles Passenger Capacity: 150 passengers Fuel Capacity: 3,000 gals Water: 1,000 gals Lube: 500 gals Equipment: 2 x radar & 2 x VHF radios Availability: August 1, 2009 Remarks: Hull and cabin reported in very good condition. Vessel has operated in fresh water system since 1985. This is an exclusive to Harlow Marine. An immediate inspection can be arranged through our office. Details believed correct but not guaranteed. <img src="ferry.png"> <ul> <li> Location: Vancouver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T10:55:11-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1180482167.html 155' Car/Passenger Ferries text Supersize Your Car http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1169761089.html Car attic. 3'x3'x18" That's about 14 cubic ft. for you mathophobics. No leaks. Can be locked with padlocks. Roof racks not required, but it isn't magic. Clamps to vehicle rain gutters. Look at your vehicle: if you don't have any place for it to hook on to, it'll fly - and that's not what you want! Red Green fans: don't even think about duck tape. Can be used as a spacious, 1 bedroom loft for the mother-in-law. How about a little peace and quiet from your yappy mongrel? Kids need separating? Portable hot tub? If you travel with a lot of cats, fill it with kitty litter. Your woody will be the envy of the neighbourhood sporting this multipurpose addition to your modern lifestyle. No trailer hitch? No problem! Turn your 4 banger into a mini-pickup. Double your haul (in or out) at the next flea market. Take a load to the dump. BTW, they don't take terrible twos, teens in any state of mind (I tried), couch potatoes (whew), etc. Now you can finally relive your hippie days: just slap this on your VW bus and head for the next Woodstock. Highway only air conditioning can easily be implemented with a 1/2" drill bit, but this would void the warranty, if it had one, and may limit the unit to non-aquatic uses (see below). Not convinced you need this? Wait! There's more. Yes, better than a paring knife. Leave the lid at home and you've got a balcony for the next air show. Concerned about sinking ferries? This may just keep your Cooper afloat. Take that "business" trip: she'll never suspect it's full of fishin' gear. Yessiree, it floats! Attach an outboard at your own risk and if you do, I wouldn't suggest intercontinental travel or even an Alaska cruise. However, it would also increase the resale value of any $1M+ yacht - it can store life preservers and double as a life raft. Don't even have a car? Hey, don't let that stop you from acquiring this gem. A sandbox in the backyard will surely increase your ratings on the next kid Gallup poll. Catch rainwater for the garden; fish pond; garden planter; small swimming pool or jacuzzi (use any old vacuum in reverse for bubbles); massive bird bath; live animal trap; bomb shelter...well, you get the idea: indispensable. It's light. Take it home on the skytrain or bike rack of any bus, but best to avoid peak hours. Sorry, no quantity discounts. Hurry! Only one left. Cars pictured below are for illustrative purposes only and are not included (duh), but I might be able to set you up with enough lawnmower parts for self-propulsion, which may get you some additional carbon tax refund. But...I digress. If you require an owner's manual, print this page. Enter v3r7a8 on craigslist homepage to see all my posted stuff. <ul> <li> Location: North Surrey <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <img src="1169761089.1.jpg"> <img src="1169761089.2.jpg"> <img src="1169761089.3.jpg"> <img src="1169761089.4.jpg"> robot@craigslist.org 2009-05-13T18:14:57-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1169761089.html Supersize Your Car text You - Gorgeous... Me - A Gamer... - still single http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1141856743.html It was last Friday. I had just gotten up from a SWEET game of Warcraft on my PC. Anyway, I realized I was dangerously low on Mountain Dew, so I threw on my lucky green sweat pants and my trenchcoat to walk 3 blocks to the convenience store. I figured if I had enough change, I might even pick up some Slim Jims, but I digress... On my way back to my apartment, Dew and Slim Jims in hand, I saw you and your friends walking into the Jazz club across the street. You seemed so comfortable and cool dressed to the nines for an evening of drinks and dancing with those closest to you. It was then that I knew I had to meet you. Although I had never been in that particular establishment, I followed you in. You probably would have seen me, but I was slowed by an argument with the doorman over my attire. After a few minutes, I think I had him convinced I looked ok, but then he proceeded to ask me for $10 just to walk into the bar. I couldn't believe they wanted to charge me just to get in. I, of course had no money, having spent every spare cent on caffeine and sticks of processed beef. I walked back to the convenience store and failed in my effort to return the goods I had so recently purchased. Luckily, the store had an ATM, so I pleaded with the checker to hold my purchases behind the counter for a short time, and I withdrew $20 from the cash machine. Armed with my fresh $20 bill, I marched to the Jazz Club, paid the $10 cover, and went looking for the woman of my dreams. I saw you immediately, near the bar with your friends. You were at the end of the group with some space next to you, so I settled in close. You noticed me once or twice as I cleared my throat nervously trying to think of what to say. It sounded like you may have commented on my trenchcoat to one of your friends, but I couldn’t be sure. I finally bumped you to get your attention. I may have bumped to hard as I noticed you spilled some of your drink on your shirt. Sorry about that. ME: So... Do you come here often? YOU: No. (you turn back to your friends) ME: Me neither. I hate bars. I can't come to terms with why anyone would want to pay such high margins on watered down drinks they could make at home for a fraction of the cost... (I trail off noticing you aren't listening) I regroup and lean in close to your ear... ME: What are you drinking there? YOU: (barely looking over your should back to me) A gin and tonic. ME: Can I buy you one? YOU: I already have one, see... (you hold up your drink sarcastically) ME: Well then, can I reimburse you for the one you are drinking? YOU: What? (looking at me now) ME: Let me pay you back for that one. YOU: Whatever. (looking puzzled and annoyed) ME: How much was it? YOU: What? ME: How much is a gin and tonic? YOU: Five dollars ME: Jesus Christ! What fool pays $5 for a freakin’ drink? That's robbery!!! YOU: Get away from me. ME: (embarrassed by my outburst) No, no, no. I said I'd pay you for it, so I will. (reaching in my pocket) Do you have change for a $10? You: What? ME: I only have a ten dollar bill? Do you have five dollars change? YOU: (turning to face me completely and folding your arms as your friends quiet down to watch our interaction) Actually, this drink was $6 with tip. ME: What? YOU: My drink. It was $5 plus $1 for tip! ME: Damn, this is getting expensive. Ok, do you have $4 change for my $10. YOU: No. ME: Well, then I'll have to get change from the bartender. YOU: Don't bother. Leave me alone. (you turn back to your friends as they erupt in laughter) I spend 10 mintues trying to get the bartender's attention. I can't blame him much because he was very busy serving so many other morons begging to be robbed of their hard earned dollars. When he finally gets to me, he tells me he won't give me change, but I can buy a drink and will get change from that. I tell him I wouldn't dream of paying such inflated prices for frozen water and a few drops of our country’s last legal poison… He goes on to the next patron. Frustrated, I go to the bathroom to pee and think about my next move. I’m pretty sure if I can just pay you for that drink that we will soon be making hot monkey love back at my apartment. However, I am disappointed at how much dating is already costing me, and how many obstacles one must overcome to simply buy a girl a drink. I start to plan my speech to you about how I may have jumped into this relationship too quickly, and that maybe we should just be friends. While washing my hands in the sink, I notice there’s a bathroom attendant. He is smiling and waiting with fresh paper towels for me. Next to him is his tray of tips stacked with dollar bills. I drop my ten dollar bill on the tray, as the attendants smile widens. Then, I pick up a pile of ones and begin counting them. The bathroom attendant gets very hostile and grabs the cash from my hand. I wrestle with him over the wad of cash. One of the bouncers must have been just outside the bathroom. I was sure that he would understand my story, and we could get everything sorted out. Boy was I wrong. He didn’t want to hear anything. He just grabbed me by my trench coat and ripped me out the bathroom door and toward the exit. I yelled “I LOVE YOU” to you as he dragged me past your group. You replied loudly for all to hear FUCK OFF CREEP!!! I know we’re meant for each other. Give me another chance. <ul> <li> Location: Mom's basement <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-04-26T21:54:22-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1141856743.html You - Gorgeous... Me - A Gamer... - still single text Nothing Happens In A Vacuum http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1129414174.html At least in this one. Hoover TurboPOWER 1700. Needs a belt (few dollars) and fan blade should be replaced (about $20). If you're a perfectionist (not likely if you're reading this) or you prefer to vacuum at night with the lights off (whatever?) then the missing light bulb may be significant to you - easily acquired at any vacuum store. Repair it or use it for parts to fix another 1700 or 2000. Ladies, this would make a great birthday/father's day gift for your hubby. With no lid or bag it transforms into a leaf mulching blower (in theory). He might even try it as a snowblower next winter. Your driveway could be the envy of the neighbourhood all year round. Guys, with a little modification this could be turned into an automatic pitcher for your little league team practices, or use it to work on your tennis returns, or how about high speed golf ball retrieval while practicing your putt at the office (watch out!). You handyman types may just want the motor. Crank the Model T with it. Build a massive rotisserie over a fire pit - just in time for hunting season. Add a chuck and Dremel anything! Turbo charge the washer/dryer/dishwasher for the Misses. (You could use a hidden camera to capture her reaction, but I recommend informing her before first use.) Got one of those clotheslines on rollers? You know what to do. Besides being great for reeling in the clothes, now you can clip Rex to the line for automatic walkies. Does your backyard slope? Bonus! Use it for a ski lift in the winter. From craigslist homepage, search for v3r7a8 to see all my posted stuff. <ul> <li> Location: North Surrey <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-04-19T04:04:11-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1129414174.html Nothing Happens In A Vacuum text ***CALLING ALL FUN GUYS! STREET LEGAL BEACH / DUNE BUGGY ***** http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1044191540.html C'mon, you know you would look good in this just like you did in the mid 70's. Well, except now, you have no hair to let blow in the wind, can't do the same things as then cause you might relapse, and instead of the hot chearleader next to you, you will now cruise around with something that looks like a bucket of KFC chicken with a head that you married cause she used to be hot. But look on the bright side, its loud enough you can see your wife's pie hole moving, but wont hear a thing, everybody whose over 40 and ever partied will give you the thumbs up, but most of all ITS JUST COOL. Has brand new floorpans throughout, convertible soft top, 1600 Dual Port that runs like a top, new tires all around - drive it home today! <ul> <li> Location: TSAWWASSEN <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-02-21T08:32:06-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1044191540.html ***CALLING ALL FUN GUYS! STREET LEGAL BEACH / DUNE BUGGY ***** text Seeking Hentai Fan - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1016738074.html The guy (or maybe guys, who knows) I'm looking for watch(es) a LOT of hentai. You have a very high sex drive and watch hentai most days, if not every day. You often find yourself getting off watching hentai more than once in a day. Some days you get off several times. The only thing that you think would make your hentai watching experience better is if you had a pussy to fuck while you watched. Not a fake one, a girl who wants you to give it to her good while you watch your favourite hentai. To be clear you don't want to have sex with a girl INSTEAD of watching hentai, you just want her pussy instead of your hand WHILE you're watching. Well, I'm your girl. I'm a petite girl, slim with long red hair and brown eyes. The plan: We spend a day together, probably a full 8 hours or so. I spend the entire day either naked or wearing a short skirt and no panties as you prefer. You spend the day playing video games, watching anime (whatever it is you'd like to do) and watching hentai as often as you feel inclined. I'll be hanging out close by reading a book. Every time you get turned on you tell me you want sex and tell me whether you want it missionary or doggy style. I put down my book and get into the position you request in such a way that you can still see the hentai you were watching, lubing myself a little if necessary. You put your dick in me, watch the hentai (this is important, no sex without watching hentai), and thrust until you cum. NO foreplay is involved with the exception of a little groping if you wish. You don't need to worry about lasting long or making me cum because the idea is that this is as much like masturbation as possible except you use my pussy instead of your hand because pussies feel better. Experience and penis size are also not important. What IS important though is frequency - you need to be able to do this at least once an hour. This is a very important part of what I want, just a couple times is not enough. There is no maximum amount, you can fuck me as many times as you want within the agreed upon timeframe. To encourage you to do this as often as possible only vaginal penetration is allowed until you've done that at least 12 times at which point you can use my ass if you like. If you think you're the guy I'm describing please send me a message and tell me a little about yourself - hobbies, your favourite anime/games, why you like hentai, whether you've had sex before, what the most you can cum in a day is, things like that - and include a few screen shots of your favourite hentai so I know what you like. A picture of yourself would be nice but it's not mandatory. Also, if you like the sound of this but think you wouldn't be able to have sex that much then I'm open to you and a friend sharing the job. <ul> <li> Location: Coquitlam <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-02-01T14:10:40-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/1016738074.html Seeking Hentai Fan - w4m text Eleven Things I Hate About Working at a Liquor Store (Vancouver) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/998600114.html 1. Anyone under the age of 20 who rolls their eyes when I ask them for ID. I'm sorry -- you still look like a fucking kid, and the government of British Columbia says that fucking kids aren't supposed to be drinking so that's why I've IDed you. What -- do you think that it's OBVIOUS you've just turned 19 and I should just be able to tell? Well, sorry, I can't. So don't roll your eyes at me and sigh heavily when you reach for your cards. My job is on the line. 2. Anyone who can't believe that I want TWO pieces of government ID. Why can't you believe it? That's what my bosses tell me to ask for, so I ask for it. It's plastered everywhere: right when you walk in, on drink displays, and at every cash register. So, yes, I want TWO pieces of ID. No, your gym membership is not government ID! GODDAMMIT DON'T ROLL YOUR EYES AT ME. 3. People who buy one item and want, like, 10 plastic bags to carry their shit. What are you, some kind of serial environmental offender? What really kills me are the assholes who buy a PLASTIC bottle (virtually unbreakable), then want the plastic bottle in a paper bag, then want the plastic bottle in a paper bag in a plastic bag, then want a double plastic bag for their plastic bottle in a paper bag in a plastic bag. The best is when people catch me giving them a sour look and they say, "I'm taking the bus." Really. Does that make it better? 4. People who ask me to smile. Smiling isn't in my job description. The line up is HUGE. I'm just putting my head down and trying to plow down as MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE IN AS LITTLE TIME AS POSSIBLE SO YOU CAN ALL GO HOME AND DRINK FASTER. Speed requires concentration; when I concentrate I don't smile, so don't ask me to fucking smile when I'm already trying to be as fast as possible for you. 5. People who touch my hair. Generally happens about once or twice a busy weekend -- someone hammered (or weird) comes in and really wants to touch my hair. I know my hair tends to look fabulous, but just because I'm within arm's reach doesn't give you the right to maul my locks. Look, compliment, but don't touch! 6. Cell phones. Chewing gum, too. Okay -- I can accept that being irritated by chewing gum is a problem that I ought to keep to myself, but cell phones? Now that I've worked as a cashier I understand how intensely rude it is to be on your cell while going through the checkout. Just get off that damned cancer pod you've got glued to your ear and provide a little respect to the cashier. Once I had a lady refuse to acknowledge me because she was yakking on her cell, but then had the nerve to exclaim, "I just guess they don't do anything around here anymore!" when I pretended not to hear her asking for a bag. 7. People who buy one or two items and then hover at the end of my til while they stare at the receipt like they're trying to decipher the fucking Rosetta Stone. Okay -- so you wanna check your receipt because you seem to believe that I have incorrectly rung up ONE OR TWO ITEMS. But move on -- don't stand in the way of the next customer and, seriously, does it take a full 30 seconds of INTENSE FOCUS to understand your receipt? You're clearly an idiot, so get out already! 8. Gaggles of ten or so barely-post-teenage thugs/sluts/idiots who come into the store and scream and giggle and pose like they're already at the club. Being able to hear your idiot babble all the way from the other side of the store means that you're being too damned loud. I feel sorry for all the people within 30 feet of you, let alone 100. Groups like this generally have me bolting for the warehouse. 9. Restaurant owners who have special discount accounts but don't tell me that they have an account until everything is rung through. Oh, you own a restaurant? It's ever-so-popular, is it? Well, my! I'm sorry I didn't know who you were right away, because clearly you're VERY IMPORTANT because you own a restaurant. Now I have to ring the WHOLE THING through again because you didn't have the foresight to tell me who you were. Sorry for wasting your VERY IMPORTANT time. 10. Sleazy guys who press tips into my hand. Listen, buddy, that 72 cents of change you really wanna hand me while staring deep into my eyes does not impress. I'm not allowed to accept tips anyways. So don't try to tip me -- I don't like it, I have to say no, it's awkward. No, you can not have my number because you gave me 72 cents. 11. Older women who WANT me to ID them. Ugh, yeah, back to the ID thing. Listen -- I'm sorry you're 30-something and you don't look under 19 anymore. Really, I think people are beautiful at all ages. Don't worry about it! Just be gorgeous the way you are. But I still don't need to see your ID, so please stop shoving it at me. It just makes you look really desperate, especially in front of your friends. ---------------------------- Anyways, don't get me wrong -- there are a great many things I love about my job. It pays well, my coworkers are pretty colourful, and the job tends to protect my safety and human dignity pretty damned well. When it's not sobusyIwanttokillmyself then it's a dream job. There's even a great many kinds of customers that I do love -- I just love bitching about the ones I hate more. :P <ul> <li> Location: Vancouver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-01-19T05:38:09-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/998600114.html Eleven Things I Hate About Working at a Liquor Store (Vancouver) text Dear Moms Who Work Downtown http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/983133477.html Dear Soccer Mom, Hi! You might've seen me commuting at the same time as you. I like to ride bikes. They're good exercise, environmentally friendly, and really very fun. I work downtown, just like you! Full time, just like you! I'm tired at the end of the day, just like you! Actually, you might think I look familiar. I probably look like your daughter, or your favorite niece. But I only look familiar if you see me. Dear soccer mom in the SUV, please hang the fuck up and drive. Yes, that was a stop sign. Yes, I had the right of way. Yes, you almost slammed into me and sent me flying into speeding traffic. Dear soccer mom, maybe you've even met my parents before, it's a small world. Would you like to explain to them why their daughter died? Was that text message to your husband so important? Are you that eager to go see your children at the end of the day? I want to go home too, alive. I follow all the rules of the road. For real, soccer mom. I'm a pretty responsible cyclist. And with all those flashing lights on my bike, if you were only looking at the road, you would've seen me. So dear soccer mom, and everyone else on the road. Please pay attention. We've all had a long day. And I have a pretty short temper. Next time you hit me, I will get up (and, yes, I will get up unless you've managed to finish me off), and stuff my U Lock down your fucking throat. Thanks, have a jolly commute! xo the girl on the bike <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-01-06T18:00:10-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/983133477.html Dear Moms Who Work Downtown text Severly Obese Smoker Woman Looking for Love http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/979414850.html Would you respond? Would you consider actually emailing this potentially caring, sensitive lady with a smokers cough and yellow teeth? I bet you wouldn't. But, when I post that "income level" is important to me, I get all sorts of hate mail with such lovely sentiments as "whore". Funny, I don't recall mentioning anything about sex. Not an inuendo, hint, or notion. Yes, income level is important -- that is, to me. The same as, say, "age" might be important to someone else. What? You don't want to take an 80-year old and her dentures out to a movie? You bastard. You cold-hearted "agist". And how ironic, if I posted a "women seeking men" that stated: "need a big throbbing dick to put inside my aching pussy", you'd be all over it and "whore" would somehow completely escape your vocabulary. To be clear, in said post, I never stated "rich" -- and, I also clearly said that I didn't expect diamonds -- simply that "we" should be able to make a life-plan together and execute it. You want to ski? I have news, it's expensive. You want to travel? That too, very costly and I'm sorry, I'm not hitch-hiking. What, you want to eat well? My idea of a good meal isn't KD, Shake and Bake chicken with Coke to wash it down. You want to fuck? 80-year olds don't tend to put out a lot. But I bet you already know that which is why you would pass over her post without a second thought. What is with the anger towards women who set a standard for themselves? Sorry if your pocketbook matches your dick size. It doesn't mean that you are not a good person -- you very well could be super fabulous, but, chances are, we're not going to be compatible if your paycheque is reflective of that of a 7/11 gas jockey. I don't want to live in a trailer just like you don't want to wake up to getting gummed by Granny. I don't think I'm the cat's meow, the ultimate Trophy Wife or the score of the century, but, if you are going to pass over posts based on anything that "isn't for you", then don't judge me for the the level at which I set my bar. How many posts I see in the men seeking women that clearly state: "a fit-attractive, athletic ..." -- I mean, hey, are you emailing them too, telling them just how shity and shallow that is? I have more news for you: it isn't shallow. It's what he wants, a busty woman is what another guy wants, and someone with reasonable means is what I want. So, I'm sorry that you have the IQ of a fencepost and you can't grasp the fact that it is okay for people to have standards that might not match your profile. Somehow, I'm able to get over posts that request things I am not -- breast size, race, ability play bridge or perform level 5 yoga positions. You need to come to terms with that instead of eating Doritos, jacking off to bad internet porn and sending hate mail to women like me, it would serve you well to pour all that negative energy into figuring out how you can boost your income level. Then we'll talk and maybe we can date. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-01-03T21:01:38-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/979414850.html Severly Obese Smoker Woman Looking for Love text When looking for Luvvv on Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/978226567.html Guys: When you ask for stuff like "Short straight black hair in a modern bob" we know we are going to be replacing someone else. Give it a rest. There are stores on Davie Street you can go to and purchase the pneumatic girl of your dreams black bob and all. But, if you are living in the real world, maybe leave just a little wiggle room? Life maybe include 'short straight BRUNETTE hair in a modern bob? Please don't repost the same information over and over and overandoverandover. This means YOU guy in pink shirt with space between front teeth, and YOU blue collar guy in the wife beater t-shirt. Once a week should do, unless you think your chances will increase if you post four times in the same day using the same pictures. Kids, you're sending out a message here, and it ain't good. You're visiting Vancouver for the weekend and want to 'hook up'. That tells us three things. One: you are married, Two: you want nice nsa sex and Three: You're a pig. Nuff said. You really don't need to describe your body much past the eye colour, height, weight shit. Only post things you would say on a first date. "Hi, my name's Bob and I'm well-hung and cut..." probably wouldn't be the first things you'd say before the coffee arrived. It IS a good idea to state the type of lady you are looking for. However, if you are 54 stating you are looking for someone between the ages of 18 and no older than 32, you are telegraphing you need help - either with your wheelchair, or your medication because you are DELUSIONAL. If you have a picture of yourself with your arm around a ghost of a person deleted with 'white out' we can tell right away that don't really have your heart in this. We'd rather see the 'smiling person in the bathroom mirror' than the 'white outed wife' at the second honeymoon on Maui. Advertising that you're looking for someone who 'needs help with the rent' is creepy, frightening and vaguely illegal. Don't take a picture of yourself beside your brand new shiny Porche, Audi, Saturn, Kia, etc. You could be driving a BMW, but due to poor counsel during your divorce, living under a bridge. Do you care what kind of car we drive? I can't believe how many guys show glassy-eyed pictures of themselves toasting the camera with a sloshing glass of booze. Soooo seductive. It says "Here's me on a good day - bombed and thrilled with unreality". Ohhhh, so sexy. There are lots of wonderful nice guys out there. For those who aren't, thanks in advance for all the posts that will call me many names. Most probably having some referral to my deficiencies at blow jobs, keeping the house clean, doing your laundry etc. That's ok. We're not a match. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-01-02T20:23:22-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/978226567.html When looking for Luvvv on Craigslist text Christmas is Tight This Year http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/964529724.html My dear friends, Somewhat embarrassing to admit, but Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below. How to make bedroom slippers: You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most asthetically appealing), etc. These slippers are: * Soft and Hygienic * Non-slip grip strips on the soles * Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh * No more bending over to mop up spills * Disposable and biodegradable * Environmentally safe * Three convenient sizes: (1.) Regular, (2.) Light and (3.) Get out the Sand Bags. I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself.... Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you. So please hurry I need to start them as soon as possible. <img src="964529724.jpg"> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2008-12-19T18:24:15-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/964529724.html Christmas is Tight This Year text To the guy who drank from the can of Pepsi he found on the ground... - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/881960503.html I thought that was pretty gross at first, but the more I thought about it throughout the day, the more I was charmed by it. I can tell you are outgoing and uninhibited by social norms and I find that very sexy. It inspired me to fish a half-eaten doughnut out of a trash can on my way home from work. It tasted awful, but I felt so liberated. You where dressed kind of poorly and your hair was unkempt (clearly unwashed), but I get the impression that your just a free spirit with bigger priorities then basic hygiene. Perhaps your a modern Aristotle? Would love to discuss Kierkegaard or Nietzsche with you sometime, perhaps over a can of Pepsi? My treat. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2008-10-16T14:26:27-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/881960503.html To the guy who drank from the can of Pepsi he found on the ground... - w4m text Seeking a sexual tyrannosaur for a romp in the park - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/876586707.html I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5'9, 120lb woman who is seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful corporation that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding men who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom. Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy. You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor. I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm. Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would be Ellie Sadler, digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine. I don't like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2008-10-12T15:14:16-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/876586707.html Seeking a sexual tyrannosaur for a romp in the park - w4m text Panties, size 8-10 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/849936725.html To the woman in the laundromat who threw her panties into my washing machine, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for my new panties, I've never owned any before. I'm not exactly sure how they got there as I left as soon as I started the machine, and didn't come back until the wash was finished. I can only assume that you're so hard up for money that you decided to save 6 quarters and threw your laundry in with mine once I'd left, and after it was done removed them and paid for your own dryer. The only problem is you forgot one pair of black and white, zebra-striped panties in the machine. I dried them with my clothes thinking that you might discover they were missing, and I was going to toss them to you if you came back to look for them. It really is too bad you didn't come back. I'm wasn't exactly sure what a size 8-10 is, but once I got home I tried them on and found they fit rather nicely. I've never wanted to wear women's panties before, and they were a little tight to get on due to the fact my package kept wanting to jump out of the front, but I must say the zebra-stripe pattern looks rather flattering on me. In fact I'm wearing them (and nothing else) as I type this..... can you say sexy? I think I'll take a picture of myself in your panties (face omitted of course) and post it on the laundromat's bulletin board so you can see what became of them. I'll make sure it's a front shot because while they're extremely tight up front, the backside seems incredibly loose and there's a lot of extra fabric flapping around. You must have some serious action going on back there.... Now that I think of it, I should be able to mail the panties back to you, I'm pretty sure your ass must have it's own postal code. Hopefully you wrote it down on the little tag. ps. please use fabric softener next time. <ul> <li> Location: The Laundromat <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2008-09-21T17:49:26-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/849936725.html Panties, size 8-10 text A plea for help to my Canadian bretheren http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/833037507.html I am honestly making this request from the bottom of my heart. Some of us down here in the States need your help. We want you to invade the United States. We have nut jobs in this country and they are actually getting elected to office. Now I know what you are thinking: "But you hosers have made your own mess down there, we don't want anything to do with you." And you're right, but we do have a few things to offer you, here are eight reasons why you should invade: 1. Hockey. I know, you're wondering how the US can give Canada Hockey? But the majority of the NHL teams are in the US and let's be honest, we don't exactly treat them the way they deserve to be treated, they are considered second class sports by most Americans. Ask the average American who won the Stanley cup and they will stare at you blankly. You can have all our hockey teams and give those boys the love they deserve, besides all the players are already Canadian. 2. Unlimited Expansion of Tim Horton's. Look, if you haven't noticed we Americans have a weight problem, we're fat. I'm eating a hotdog, drinking a milkshake and injecting my veins with butter as I write this. We all know that Timmy's coffee and Donuts are far better than our beloved Dunkin' Donuts down here so Timmy's will have no problem finding customers. 3. Billions of Health care dollars. We pay more per capita for healthcare than you do, but over 50 million of us do not even have insurance. Do you know what that means? You can take over the private health care industry and combine it with your national health care system and you will have billions of dollars left over. All you need is to consolidate the mess we call private health insurance here and you will be swimming in cash, just like the private insurance companies are. 4. Republican Daughters. Just look at our Republican daughters. The Bush girls have been getting drunk every chance they get since they were teenagers. We know Palin's daughter has no problem with pre-marital sex. John McCain's wife was willing to have an affair with him while he was still married. These women are the best of both worlds, lady's in public and freaks behind closed doors. You can bring these girls to meet mom then take them home for a wild ride. 5. The White Spot Restaurant. If you saw the diversity, or lack thereof, at the Republican convention then you would know that an eatery named "The White Spot" would be wildly popular here in the US. 6. Guns. I know Canada has some tight regulations regarding guns, but we have none of that here. You can shoot someone in the face and suffer no consequences, just ask our current Vice President. So for those of you who like to shoot things, come on down. 7. Comedy. We have this hilarious station down here that is all comedy, all the time. No, not Comedy Central, it's called Fox News and it is hilarious. They pretend to be fair and balanced when they are really anything but, it really is funny. 8. Canadian Bacon. Once again our fatness is our weakness. Just cut it into the shape of a gun or a naked woman and we will never stop eating, your bacon industry will explode. So there you go, eight reasons why you need to cross the border and invade us. Please help us. You will find about half of the country will welcome you with open arms. Thanks to our invasion of Iraq there should be no problem with one country invading another sovereign country, Russia has already exercised this new option. I have my Canadian flag ready! <ul> <li> Location: Due South <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2008-09-08T15:21:14-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/833037507.html A plea for help to my Canadian bretheren text To all those who ride transit... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/723232278.html I just have ONE simple request. I don't care about your annoying spawn that's kicking the back of my seat, or screaming so loud only dogs can hear them. I don't care about the little old Asian lady who literally moshed her way to the front of the crowd like she was at a Ministry concert in order to get a seat on the skytrain, almost knocking people over like a set of Dominos. I don't care that your over-sized TnA bag has now bumped me in the ass/legs/arm/head so many times I'll be bruised and look like a leopard. I don't care that you wore so much cheap knock-off Britney Spears perfume it's permanently damaged my sinuses. I don't care that everytime you turn the page of your 24 or Metro that you elbow me in the tit. I don't care that you play your ipod so loudly I can hear it over my own. I was quite amused when I saw you strut onto the skytrain, dressed like you were on your way to a Slayer concert only to hear Mariah Carey echoing from your headphones when you sat next to me. I don't care that when I'm attempting to step off the skytrain you basically anihillate me by charging ONTO the train before I can even get off of it. I don't care that you talk on your cellphone so loudly I'm now informed of your friend Trisha's yeast infection. No. I will not ask any of the above people to stop those albeit annoying habits that I seem to encounter every day to and from work. My only request - and you know who you are - Take a goddamn motherfucking SHOWER before you get on any form of public transit. Seriously! There I am, innocently sitting down in my seat at 7:30am and you park down next to me ... smelling like you pissed yourself 8 days ago and are wearing the SAME clothes you wore that you pissed yourself in. Honestly, do you not even NOTICE that you smell like a golden shower? Do you not even care that everyone around you is obviously starting to tuck their faces into their jackets inhaling their Britney Spears perfume just to drown out the smell of your rotting carcass? What's it going to take to put "Must not smell like busted ass chunks" on the rules of riding public transit? <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2008-06-17T12:44:08-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/723232278.html To all those who ride transit... text Dear Parents of Employed Teenagers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/718260657.html Dear Parents of Employed Teenagers, As you undoubtedly know by now, your son Johnny or your daughter, Jane, has a job. You know this all too well because you are the one stuck behind the wheel of the car at ungodly hours of the morning like 5 AM or 6 AM, dropping off said kid. I apologize, but operational needs being what they are, someone's gotta stock shelves, flip hash browns and make coffee for me to drink. Now as a parent, you believe you have all sorts of rights that you can enforce upon me, the manager. Let me clear this issue up right now: You don't. Here is my short list of things that bug me (and probably 99% of all managers everywhere): - Calling in sick for your kid. If at 14 one is old enough to work in this province, then one is old enough to call in sick. Unless your kid is in a coma, you are not doing your kid any favours. It actually is insulting to us, the management, and to the kid. Now I realize that you have heard all sorts of stories about how big of a prick I am to those calling in sick. Let me assure you those are gross exaggerations. I'm very understanding - unless you're calling in for your kid. Then not so much. - Getting mad when I call your house early in the morning to find out where Johnny/Jane is. Tell your kid to invest in an alarm clock, cell phone and act more responsible. I have a job to do too, and calling early in the morning isn't my favourite part of it. So a little understanding here okay? - When your kid forgets to book off the family holiday, don't get mad at me. I am not a psychic or God. If the family holiday is "last minute", then there is not a very good chance that it can be accommodated. If you see the look on your kid's face as he/she tells me that you sprung this last minute, you would never be so inconsiderate again in your life. - Don't threaten me by claiming that you know the owner of the company. If you want to threaten me, pull a knife, a gun or a heck, even a pen. I haven't actually met the owner of the company more than a couple times (and I've been employed there a lot longer than your kid). The chances of you knowing the owner are not that good anyhow. So that threat frightens me as much as a litter of newly born kittens. - Asking your kid to ask for better shifts - eg not early morning or late night shifts on the weekends - because you only have two days off and you want to sleep in. Sorry, I forget what weekends are like - I hear they are great though. I also hear that misery loves company. We try to have fair rotation. Sometimes that means some weekends your kid gets the short end of the stick. It can't be helped. - Lastly, don't come in and try to fight your child's battles. It's embarrassing for your kid and you. I know the fruit of your loins are completely great and awesome, but having a job is about being responsible. If I am standing my ground, it's not because I dislike your kid or you or life or eggplant - it's because if I don't, then I'll have 39 other people trying to run the show their own way. And that gets old pretty fast. So in summation: Parents, I am not a glorified babysitter - don't treat me that way. Your kid has this job to make up for that allowance that you unceremoniously yanked from under them when they turned 13. You said, "Go get a job." You too have to live with the consequences. None of which are really my problem. Sincerely, The Manager <ul> <li> Location: everywhere <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2008-06-13T03:32:13-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/718260657.html Dear Parents of Employed Teenagers text To the owner of the dog who took a shit outside my apartment building http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/585508697.html All I have to say is Fuck You for not picking up your dog's shit. The dog park is literally 25 meters away. You couldn't make your stupid dog wait 2 minutes? No. Instead, I step in your dog's steaming pile of crap on the SIDEWALK right in front of my building. Even after I took my shoe off, and left it outside my apartment building, I could still smell your dog's shit all hovering around me like a toxic cloud. Have you never had to clean dog shit out off of a pair of New Balance runners before? Maybe you should take a look at how many ridiculous grooves there are in the soles. Meanwhile, I try to delicately rinse off your dog's shit in my bathroom sink, little bits of shit water splashing all over my clean hoodie and jeans. I start gagging because I can taste the dog shit steam . No matter how careful I am, shit water runs over into the actual shoe, soaking right through. Puking a little in my mouth, I run away... just to come back to my fucking cat taking drink of your dog's shit water in the sink. You asshole. The kicker of it all is I just bought a brand new toothbrush. I haven't even used it for 3 days, and then I get to use it to clean out all of your dog's shit out of every single fucking groove of the soles. Dog owners in Downtown Vancouver beware: the next time I see you NOT pick your dog's shit, I will be glad to pick it up for you. You just don't want to know what I am gonna do with it.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Bute & Nelson <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2008-02-24T15:59:18-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/585508697.html To the owner of the dog who took a shit outside my apartment building text Letter from a rare form of female(?) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/457057427.html Dear Booty Call: We have an animal attraction. If I happen to want some good sex, I'll call you. Sometimes you're free, sometimes not. Sometimes you call me. Sometimes I'm free, sometimes I'm not. You are good in bed; we are good in bed together. The only irritating thing in this otherwise perfect arrangement is that big fat ego of yours. While you have made it clear that you do not want a relationship, you reeeeealllly don't seem to buy the fact that I'm not emotionally attached to you. You are puzzled that I don't call you more often, and even more shocked when I don't want to spend the whole night together. Get over it. A few reasons why this is: 1. I CONSIDER YOU A PIECE OF MEAT. Know how you just want to fuck? Yep, that's right...I just want to fuck too. I know you think you are god's gift and the smartest person alive, but you are not. The bonus of a booty call? Less talking. More fucking. 2. Personally, I don't really like you. You aren't that interesting, or very nice. You are good looking and have good *assets*. Perfect for what I need you for. Done deal. 2. I like my space. I like it better with only me in it. 3. My bed is fucking awesome, and I don't like to share. Especially with someone who snores, steals the covers, and sweats profusely. Don't get me wrong - a little sleep sweat is fine. Enough sweat to cover us both AND make me think you pissed on the sheets? Not acceptable. Please exit the premises when activities have come to a full and complete stop. FYI - If I wanted a relationship, I would stop sleeping with you and find someone I can actually tolerate outside of the bedroom. Sincerely, Your fuck buddy  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-10-23T03:07:03-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/457057427.html Letter from a rare form of female(?) text Wanted: One Male Bed-Filler http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/424458125.html I’m just another busy person always on the go. I recently moved to a new place and bought a fantastic bed that I love. While so caught up in my day to day life, I have not had time to develop a romantic relationship lately. But when I come home at the end of the day and get in bed, it feels very empty. I have thus decided to take applications for a bed-filler. This is NOT a sex thing. If anything, it might be more appropriate to post this in the housewares section… but anyways. Me: -25 years old, straight single female -5’8”, blond, hazel eyes, thick/curvy -often restless/occupied when I get in bed; in need of soothing, relaxation My bed: -1 full sized bed, located in nice room in nice basement suite -clean sheets -2 new pillows for sleeping – none of those annoying throw pillows -1 blue fleece blanket decorated with reindeer (don’t ask) -room temperature kept cool as to facilitate snuggling (see below) I require: -one straight, single man -between the ages of 25 and 30 years old -minimum 6 feet tall, 6’2” is better, 6’4” is most desireable and also the maximum height sought -must practice good hygiene, smell pleasant and regularly manscape if his body hair is excessive in volume -piercings and tattoos to be considered on individual basis -must enthusiastically cuddle, snuggle and spoon me -must NOT scratch himself excessively in the morning and NEVER Dutch-oven me -must limit alcohol intake to 2 beers on any night he is acting as bed-filler -must seek medical consul if he consistently snores when not drunk, sick -should occasionally play with my hair What the successful applicant receives: -the satisfaction of helping me sleep better -sleeping with a girl who’s hair always smells nice -free dream interpretation in the morning (just a weird gift I have) Applicants who can demonstrate ESP skills, thus knowing which nights and at what times I need my bed-filler without my explicit request, will be given priority in the short listing phase. Amusing and/or insightful pillow talk may be rewarded with kisses or tea (to be decided at the discretion of the bed-filler). Thanks and good luck! <img src=424458125.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Kits, Kerrisdale, Dunbar <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-09-16T23:58:30-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/424458125.html Wanted: One Male Bed-Filler text Is This YOUR Marijuana!?!?!?!?!?!? http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/422643153.html Yesterday, I got a small padded envelope in the mail, returned to my address in North Vancouver because it needed a customs declaration attached. Trouble is, I never sent this particular parcel. My wife looked it over, and we realized that it had the right address, but there was no such apartment number. We looked up the name at the top, but there is no R. Kent in the phone book, nor any people with the same last name with a similar street number. A quick search on Canada Posts website reveals the postal code to be valid on a nearby street. My wife opened it, and you can imagine our reaction to its contents. We debated if it was a friend playing a joke on us, or if it was intended to be found and cause trouble. However, Canada Customs never found out about the contents, so the point is rendered moot. I will keep the contents for now, and remail the envelope with a photo of its former contents with a short note saying if he gets in touch with the person how mailed it orginally, he can drop by and retrieve it. He better hurry though, as I only intend to hang onto it for so long.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: My Mailbox <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  <img src=422643153.1.jpg> <img src=422643153.2.jpg> robot@craigslist.org 2007-09-14T14:50:38-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/422643153.html Is This YOUR Marijuana!?!?!?!?!?!? text Road Rage http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/366721693.html So, driving home from work today I have some fuckwad tailing me, just banging on the horn. I look in my rear view and it is some dork in a BMW or Mercedes or some other overpriced piece of shit. I can see dude's veins bulging in his forehead and literally I can see the specks of saliva splashing off the windshield and he is LEAAAANNNNNING over the steering wheel yelling at me as if this was going to help me hear him better. By the looks of him, he is a pretty big dude. So, unluckily for me, I have to stop at a light. At this point, my girlfriend is kind of freaking out. I am probably, 5-7 or 5-8 with my hair standing up and don't weigh much more than a buck fifty, maybe 60 after a big meal. Never been much of a fighter, didn't really have to. I have to say, it kind of freaked me out. So, of course Mr Testosterone has to get out of his car and confront me. Like I said, he looked big, and when he got beside me, unfortunately again for me, he was probably 6-2 and maybe 200-220. Dressed in a pretty sharp suit with no jacket and his tie loosened. Probably had a pretty bad day as he proceeded to call me everything but an english speaking white man. On and on, if I was to get out of the car he'd beat my ass blah blah blah. Finally he called me a little cocksucker and then he told my GF that I was a bitch. LOL. The old bitch card. So, I continued to look straight ahead, I rolled my window down, maybe a 1/3, not quite half and asked him if he was having a bad day. Without warning, Road Rage Guy punches at me. Fucking longest light in the history of Vancouver right here...sadly for him, his big fucking mitt hit most of my window--shaking his hand he yelled for me to get out of the car--LOL, here is where it gets funny. I am still looking straight over my steering wheel. He takes one step closer to the car to open it as the light changes. Again, sadly for this fucking meathead, I had already locked the door, still looking ahead, I lunge through my partially opened window, grab him by his tie and pull him towards my car, frantically I rolled up my window and hit the gas, dragging this fuckwad through the intersection--have you ever seen a cursing, swearing salesman do a sidestep at 15 KM/H? I am still kind of laughing, and of course my GF thinks it is hilarious--I am still a little pissed off that I didn't hit 30 and drag this fucking monkey through the streets of Vancouver. So, if you were the dork that assaulted me, too bad you are a such dick head, but I sincerely hope that you have another tie and pair of dress shoes, those shoes have to be scuffed the fuck up. I do admire your agility at running beside my car doing cross overs. Your football training probably saved your life.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Hiways and the Biways <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-07-04T19:24:49-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/366721693.html Road Rage text I Really hate transit.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/357525457.html If you live in a city, chances are you do (or will) know the perils of having to ride transit. They're crowded, people smell, and most of us (myself included) have to do this regular commute to and from work 5 days a week. Not including any other time I have to get anywhere as I don't have a vehicle. At some point or other we have come across the people in the list below, today... I came across all 10. I really need a beer right now... 10. THE TEENY BOPPERS. I hate you all. Seriously, you come gallavanting on the bus with 6 of your annoying friends and I immediately turn my ipod up the highest it'll go ... and I can STILL hear your annoying voices over my Rammstein. There's something seriously fucking wrong with that. Nobody gives a shit if Bobbie likes Britney or if Shiella wore a skirt that made her ass look big. Shut the fuck up before I throw you off the bus. 9. THE DRUNK. It's 7:30am and you come staggering on the bus, you're at the back, I'm at the front and I can still smell your alcoholic stench all the way at the front of the bus. What makes it worse, I hear you open a can at the back of the bus only to continue your drunkeness and talk to the invisible friend behind next to you. Then you ring your stop, stumbling to the front, only to practically fall in my lap when the bus driver suddenly stops the bus. Charming. Thanks. 8. KIDS. Ok. I understand sometimes the bus is the only mode of transportation for some parents, and that you do need to bring your kids on the bus. That's fine. If they're well-behaved. Then there are the parents who sit there like they're oblivious to the fact that their child is SCREAMING so loud that only DOGS can hear them, as loud and long as they can just for the sake of screaming. It's 7:30 in the morning, now I know you're probably used to this sort of thing but this is not a sound that a lot of passengers appreciate at ANY time of day, let alone at the ass-crack of dawn. Your kids make me want to get my damn tubes tied. 7. DUMBASS ON THE CELL PHONE. Everyone has cell phones, and everyone talks on them on the bus. That's fine. But don't talk so obnoxiously like you're trying to impress everyone with "this meeting you had today," "this meeting you had last week" and "this meeting you're probably having tomorrow." Trying to make it sound like you're some hot-shot in a high-rise, well we all know your secret. If you're a hot-shot in a high rise then what the fuck is your ass doing riding a bus? We all know you're a shift leader at McDonald's so shut the fuck up, and stop talking to your mom because she's probably not impressed either. 6. YOU HAVE CRABS. Seriously, the people who buy fish and then get on the bus - which proceeds to stink up the entire damn bus. It's crowded, it's stuffy and now it smells like fish (along with every other person on the bus who hasn't worn deoderant or showered in a month but we'll get to that ...). Seriously, gross. Pay the extra few bucks and get a cab. 5. YOU HAVE LUGGAGE. You get on the bus and seriously have 2 MASSIVE garbage bags full of crap or a bunch of suitcases, which you proceed to sit in the middle of the aisle so that whomever gets on the bus can't get past unless they risk breaking their neck. Honestly, this is what cabs are for. They have these things called TRUNKS that are made to fit obnoxious amounts of crap like that. 4. DIPSHIT WHO NEVER HAS THEIR SHIT READY. You know who you are. You're the asshole who gets on the bus and then proceeds to have to count out the exact change, or find their bus pass/transfer. It's not that hard to have your shit ready BEFORE the bus gets there, unless you were running late. Then you complain and beak at the bus driver for starting the bus and causing you to lose your balance while you still fish around for your change! Seriously dude, it's your own damn fault and if he waits for your slow ass you're going to make me later than I already am. One of these days the driver's going to hit the brakes only to cause you to go flying head first through the windshield - and then I'll be late for work. Move you ass! 3. EXCESSIVELY LOUD LISTENING DEVICES. Now I always have my ipod with me, it keeps those weird people from striking up a conversation with me and basically I love my music. But I know for a fact that not a lot of people are going to want to HEAR my music, so I keep my ipod fairly low so that it doesn't disturb everyone. Then there are people like you who feel the need to keep it as loud as it can possibly go so that everyone on the bus can hear what shitty music taste you have. Sandstorm's been out for the past 6 years dude... 2. DUDE WITH THE COFFEE BALANCED RIGHT BY MY SHOULDER. Spill that on me and I will kill you. 1. YOU SMELL. This is definitely the number one annoyance when riding transit. It's crowded, it's hot out, it's stuffy in there and you reek like you've pissed yourself 8 days ago and are still wearing the same clothes you soiled yourself in. I feel that there should be a stench detector at the doors of the bus so if in fact you DO smell a very loud obnoxious alarm comes on with a voice clearly stating, "You smell like ass - get the fuck off the bus and go shower you disgusting pig." Then there's the one who doesn't wear deoderant. His arm is raised up to hold onto the pole above my head, therefore putting your stinky armpit RIGHT in my face - I'm seriously going to kick you in the shin the next time you do this. Basically to all you stinky bastards - you smell and no one likes you. Thank you - I feel better now.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Vancouver, BC <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-06-21T20:21:46-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/357525457.html I Really hate transit.... text from your pizza delivery girl http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/346308204.html So after about 2 years of being a pizza delivery girl, I’m fed up! 1. First off, lets put in a simple fact: Pizza delivery is considered a hazardous job by the US government. They are third most likely to be murdered on the job, right after police officers and taxi drivers. Myself being a 22 year old female, that risk is approximately 5 times greater. Although I’m not in the US, Canada has plenty of latent axe-wielding maniacs, disgruntled computer geeks that haven’t stepped out of their house in months, crazy cat ladies, pig men, and other potentially dangerous creatures. That brings me to my next point… 2. If I drive 10 km out of town to your trailer park, and you open the door in a sleeveless plaid shirt, and then ask me to come in, don’t get offended if I don’t. Don’t get offended if I take off running either. You might be a decent guy, but I’ve seen enough cliché axe murderer movies to know better. 3. Chances are, though, if you’re the creep in the plaid shirt living in the trailer park, I will probably like you a lot more than that family in the mansion in the most affluent part of town. Because, you, scary redneck friend, are probably going to tip me close to 30% of the order. Whereas foreign mansion family will end up giving me a 20 on a $19.80 order and generously tell me to keep the change. Ever wonder how some people can afford to live in a 6500 sq ft house with a swimming pool? They don’t tip. 4. That brings us to tipping. To the lady that asked me if I was in school, and upon my affirmative reply gave me a quarter, and said “I know how hard it is to be in school and work so hard” – Thanks!! You were pretty young too, and of course living in one of those mansions. I thought you’d know better. To the guy who told me I was really cute for a pizza delivery driver and left me no tip – thanks!! My cuteness won’t pay for nursing school. To the Korean broad that waited for me to count out the nickels and dimes and then got mad because I don’t carry pennies and thus couldn’t give exact change( 3 more cants), who then called my boss and told him she was “lipped off” ( think she meant ripped off) – Fuck you! 5. If you tell me you can’t afford to tip when I get there, you can’t afford delivery. 6. If you can’t afford delivery charges, you can’t afford delivery. To that guy who called the pizza place and asked us to deliver 2 towns over (we’re in Coquitlam, he was in maple ridge) and asked us to take off the delivery charge too because he can’t afford gas for even himself: Fuck you, you selfish prick. Clearly you know the price of gas these days, and you’re probably smart enough to know that the petroleum pixies don’t come and fill my tank every night, so don’t tell me it’s my loss when I refuse to deliver to you. 7. Lets put down some blatant honesty: I’m not hot. I can maybe pull off cute on a good day, so I don’t know why I suddenly transform into a goddess when I come to your door with food. Clearly you’ve been watching way too many pornos. 8. #7 goes double for rainy days. Apparently runny makeup and flat hair mixed with pizza are major turn for the lazy Dom asses of Coquitlam. No I don’t need a towel. No I will not come in to dry off. I can’t give you my number. What? No, really, I’m not into that. 9. Don’t get mad at me if we made a mistake on your pizza. Chances are you knew we were going to make a mistake if you check the pizza at the front door. Also, most of the high school kids I work with don’t have a clue as to what a quadrant is… “I want pineapple in quadrants 1 and 2, and ham in quadrants 1 and 4 and half of quadrant 3 with pepperoni” Gimme a fucking break!! . And who the hell orders pizza in quadrants anyways? 10. Don’t get mad at me if your pizza is 45 minutes late. I was trapped on some guy’s front porch while a bear was sniffing around my car that now permanently smells like a pizza. Yes, a bear. And don’t act surprised, we live in the middle of fucking nowhere. And don’t leave me no tip me because I’m “a liar”. If I wanted to swing by a friend’s house on my way to your place, I’d say I was caught in traffic, or something more believable than a fucking bear! 11. Speaking of traffic… The neighborhood where I work is predominantly foreign (I wont say what nationality but you can probably guess where bad drivers that happen to be non-tippers come from). So if I’m late because a hummer that has “environmental consultants” written on it (ah, how I love cliché’s) runs a red and almost kills me, pardon fucking me if I have to pull over for a few minutes to collect myself, thus making your pizza 4 minutes later than the promised time. Okay, I’m off to work now. Be nice to me!!!  <img src=346308204.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-06-06T12:18:17-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/346308204.html from your pizza delivery girl text Tips for Using Craigslist to Overcome Post-Break-up Depression http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/271419548.html 1. Post daily missives, alternating between maudlin, yet not entirely hopeless, pleas for reunion in Missed Connections, and scathing, wrathful inditements of the other person's character on Rants and Raves when plaintive Missed Connections posts are ignored. If your daily Craigslist ritual seems to be further deepening the chasm of your agony, create a list of tips for others who may also be struggling with the demons of misguided internet therapy. 2. Keep everything as vague as possible. The point of these posts is not to allow the other person to recognize themselves in the weepy or the raging messages you write. Without the cozy cloak of obscurity to hide in, you will run the risk of driving yourself insane with the thought of the person reading your posts and then IGNORING them. Instead, comfort yourself with the knowledge that your posts address universal suffering and collective pain--not one single incident with the jerk who broke up with you while you were attending a conference in Vancouver. 3. Adhere to a jargon-only policy. Use nearly unintelligible titles (nicknames you never actually called the person, first initials of given names only, symbols created holding down the shift and number keys) and extremely obscure references (i.e. lyrics of songs that were playing in the background that time you picked up a six-pack together) when creating the posting. For each true fact, include one completely imaginary item--if you mention a tubing trip down a river last summer that actually happened, cite a line from Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett (never ever refer to the trip directly), then immediately follow with a quote from Wordsworth, to indicate (incorrectly) that you also visited Tintern Abbey near London, England at some point during your relationship. 4. Keep the dirtbag guessing. Ensure that the person you are writing the message for will never ever know for certain that they are the intended audience--but keep the information vague enough so they will also never be able to completely rule themselves out. You will know when you have hit the right mix of poignancy and ambiguity when your messages are followed by a flurry of responses that may include any one of the following phrases: a. You write what I feel; b. Can it be you, (some other person's name here), the one I've been waiting for?; or c. Are you my lost shaker of salt? 5. Make checking Craigslist your new full-time job. For every post you complete, check the list at least five times. An hour. Sacrifice everything in pursuit of this goal--proposals that are due, knitting projects to be completed, cats that in need of food of water. 6. Know that even if some guy out there doesn't like you enough to keep going with your relationship, he might still be amused at the high level of clarity, wit and insight with which you write about the end of your union and you, in turn, may be able to get through a day at some point in the future without thinking of the way his eyes looked when you made him laugh or the way his lips felt when he leaned over to kiss you.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-01-31T13:41:15-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/271419548.html Tips for Using Craigslist to Overcome Post-Break-up Depression text Credit Card Scam - BE VERY CAREFUL http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/239203614.html I got nailed by this scam last weekend and it still hurts. Someone will approach you pretending to be your "loving wife" complete with gratuitous sex and your favourite snack. She will then subtly ask if you have a balance on your credit card. This is where you MUST answer "Yes, it's completely maxed out", otherwise she will cleverly slip it from your wallet while pretending to enjoy fondling your coconuts. Later that day, while you rest comfortably on the couch remote in hand, your card will be used to purchase half a dozen ridiculously overpriced "sale" items. The scam is so diabolical it resists any recourse by the presentation of one small gift, purchased with your card of course, special for you only. Your "loving wife" will then revert back to "moody hag" and disappear to wherever it is they go while you're in the house. On a happy note, I really like my new Steelers hat, it keeps my head quite dry during my new part time job collecting shopping carts at Superstore.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-11-24T07:51:42-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/239203614.html Credit Card Scam - BE VERY CAREFUL text 2 effective Methods on bathing a CAT. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/238094636.html First Method 1. Thoroughly clean the toilet. 2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any purchase they can find. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power wash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective. 6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself. ________________________________________________________________________________ Second Method 1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.) 2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket. 3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.) 4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. 5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.) 6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. 7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat. In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-11-21T10:04:03-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/238094636.html 2 effective Methods on bathing a CAT. text To My Sexually Satisfied Neighbour. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/227818730.html Dear Sexually Satisfied Neighbour: I'd like to express my gratitude that your life has taken a turn for the better and you are once again getting some. You are in fact, getting a lot! After experiencing the not so gradual deterioration in your personal and domestic welfare, I'm grateful for the relief from the fallout of your depression following the split with your last boyfriend. It was extremely sad that the break up coincided with the last hot spell. In your depression it seemed you were unable to dispose of your garbage appropriately, and took to leaving the bags on your balcony where they proceeded to ripen very nicely. The only thing, or in this case, things, preventing the crows from ripping into the bags was the sight of your two dog-sized cats, perched and waiting for the opportunity to pounce. This brings me to another point of gratitude. Thank you for finally cleaning out your cats litter box!. Combined with the smell of ripe garbage, it was drifting into my window and in the heat of summer ... need I say more? I'm shocked your cats did not express their lack of appreciation and reward you with parcels in inappropriate places. Or did they? It was more than a little shocking to see a hot and dazzling beautiful woman transform and lose her sheen and joie de vie! Don’t get me wrong, you look hot in Lululemon, but it should be freshly laundered Lulelemon. You can definitely do the no make up thing and look hotter than hot. But you do need to shower and wash your hair at the very least. I'm glad your depression is over and you are once again taking care of your self and have found some one who is also happy to take care of you. Evidently you and your new man are very compatible and he has no problem locating your g-spot for you are once again your beautiful glorious happy regular orgasmic self. Yeah for you! It appears the new man in your life goes by the name of Oh Baby and that he like to hear you scream his name at least three times a night. I hope you and Oh Baby are happy for a long time as I much prefer to see a clean balcony with a few plants on it. I really like being able to open my window without having to test the air to see which direction the wind is blowing. I also like the fact the the crows are no longer circling the area trying to land on your balcony without falling prey to your massive cats While I am glad you are once again being ecstatically fucked into blissdom, you may want to consider closing the windows to your bedroom. The vigorous thrusting and rutting is Olympic grade and the sessions are marathon. Really, I am truly glad for you. However, as I am not directly involved and it is a very regular occurrence, the titillation factor is rapidly diminishing. As our bedrooms are back to back, I have taken to sleeping on my couch in the living room so that there is more than a wall between the sound of your head board hitting the other side of said wall and my ears. Thank god I didn't cheap out and invested in a good couch Truly it is no hardship to sleep there, albeit alone. I'm looking forward to the next month of night shifts as it means I will be able to once again sleep in my own bed without the lusty sound effects intruding on my zzzzz's and making me painfully aware of my current monkish state. I might even volunteer for a second month of nights in the hope that you and Oh Baby will have gotten past this wildly exuberant intoxicating infatuation phase to something less hectic, more heart based and designed for long term love. Don't get me wrong, I want you to continue having wild passionate sex: just something more conducive to living beside neighbours who are not deaf. In the meantime, please continue to enjoy fucking Oh Baby's brains out It makes your skin glow and the spring in your step is delightful. It also provides some great visuals for my morning jerk off in the shower sessions.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> yes -- it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-10-30T11:18:15-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/227818730.html To My Sexually Satisfied Neighbour. text You're lost and I'm sick of waiting http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/224746541.html Missed connections...well, I think that my boyfriend missed a connection and I'd really appreciate it if someone could help him catch it. You see, he transferred from the 'dating' line to the 'serious commitment' line but then got off somewhere for some reason and got fucking lost. He should have been trying to make the connecting train on the 'romance' line but I think he's now lingering somewhere on the lazy, effortless platform. He doesn't realise, however, that being on the lazy, effortless platform is not the same as being ON the train. And pretending to wait for the train is a load of shit because I've seen many many opportunities for him to catch said train. I'm currently on the exhausted platform. I'm considering switching my transportation carrier altogether, and maybe opt for a flight on the 'fun, attentive, show-me-the-fucking-love' line. With a more willing travel companion. I'm so tired of waiting for him to stop missing his fucking connection. If and when he finally makes it, I might not be there...   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Vancouver <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-10-23T15:27:29-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/224746541.html You're lost and I'm sick of waiting text Open letter to sappy couples.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/216963357.html I'm not bitter. I'm happy for all those happy couples out there, good on ya, way to go, glad you found your soul mate. My understanding, however, seems to be that when you're blinded by love, by some process of multiplication, you slowly become blinded to every other fucking thing that surrounds you. It's not your fault - you're in love. Nothing else matters. I get it. However, to ensure that you keep that fuzzy feeling, you'll have to ensure that you're not pissing off the people around you. Because I'm pretty sure that love doesn't protect my fingers from gouging out your puppy-dog eyes. Here are 5 basic guidelines: 1. Making out is great. I agree. You can even do it in public - fine. It's the year 2006, grope Shmoopie all you want. But please, be considerate about where you're foreplaying. On the beach, fine. Movie theatre, I can deal with that. On the bus/skytrain during morning rushhour? Come ON. No one wants to see you making out EVER but this sentiment is doubled before 9am, before coffee, and while sardined on public transit. I can hear your saliva being exchanged, and no, that's not Shmoopie's ass, that's mine. The worst part is that there's nowhere I can go for at least 10 more stops. I feel like I'm imprisoned on a high school field trip bus. Do us all a favour and have a nice morning fuck BEFORE you leave the house. 2. Speaking of "Shmoopie," pet names are fun - they're cute, they're endearing...but to you and only you. We don't think your pet names are cute. In fact, it makes me want to pull a Mary Kate Olson. You have real names - please use them. I want to keep my lunch down and that's not going to happen if I'm forced to sit through the ABCs of every nickname you have for each other, articulated in Paris-Hilton-esque baby talk. You're adults. Use your words. 3. I know that you love your boyfriend. You know HOW I know that? Because you've told me that. Five times. In the last two minutes. I also know how great he is in bed, how sweet he is to you, how/when/where he asked you out, what his dog's name is, where he works, what his grade 3 teacher's name was, what his favourite flavour of ice cream is, and where he buys his fucking underwear. I know he's on your mind, but please talk about something else. And while it's impressive that you have the ability and creativity to incorporate Shmoopie into ANY topic of conversation, it's annoying and no one cares. 4. You're in love, everything is perfect, you found your match. Yee-fucking-ha for you both. Seriously, I'm happy for you. HOWEVER, this does NOT mean that you are now love experts. If you want to get your Ph.D. in the Psychology of Love from an accredited institution, then I might listen to you without smirking or throwing something at your head. But until then, shut the fuck up. I know that I'm single and I'm fine with that. I don't want your tips, advice or patronizing pity. Similarly, being in love does not make you a matchmaker. I don't want to meet your cousin Jim or your coworker Donnie or the guy who picks up the cans from outside your apartment building. If I actually thought that you were trying to make a good match, I'd consider, but I get the feeling that you're the Jehovas Witnesses of Love. Love is not a club or a religion or a cult that you can recruit members into. It happens, and it'll happen to me one day, but it's not going to be with some random guy. "Desparate" is NOT a synonym for "Single" last time I checked. I'm fine, really. I don't need your help. 5. My latest relationship ends. Another failed attempt at love. I'm sad, it sucks, but life goes on. The last thing I want is to be around sappy couples. No offence. I want to hang with my friends. Why, then, do you a) bring along your significant other to remind everyone of your happy-in-love-ways or b) come alone but only talk about how happy you are, when the wedding is, what you're going to name your future children. Did you not get the memo? This is a breakup gathering. For support. It's not all about you. Again, happy for you. Really, truly am. I love you. I love your future spouse. But I don't want to hear about it right now. There's a time and a place for sharing with your friends how happy you are in love, but not when your friend's just been duped by cupid. Why don't you just kick me in the stomach really hard. Seriously. I'm going to puke anyway when you bring out the baby-talk. If you follow these, I guarantee that your friends and family will give you nicer wedding gifts and that strangers won't attempt homicide on either of you.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around kits <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-10-06T12:22:22-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/216963357.html Open letter to sappy couples.... text To the guy who crapped in my parking stall last night.... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/213492593.html I'm tempted to start out by saying "You know who you are", but perhaps you don't. Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "I broke a loaf in someone's parking stall last night, could he be referring to me?" Maybe you're under the misapprehension that relieving yourself in someone's parking stall is something pretty much everyone does from time to time, like smoking a recreational joint or driving too fast, or eating prime rib. So, to all of you who took a dump in a parking stall last night, let me provide some identifying details to help narrow down which of you I'm referring to. First, you are almost certainly male. Either that or you're the 1976 East German Women's Olympic Gold Medal Weightlifting Champion. There's a slim possibility you're a horse. It's very unlikely that you're homeless. It wouldn't take a PhD in nutrition to figure out that your pre-poop meal was -- how shall I put this? -- adequate. Formidable. Representitive of all the major food groups. You get my point. Still don't know who you are? Stall 146. Green level. Yeah, you. So now that you know who you are, my message to you is rather simple: WTF???? Let me get something across to you. For nearly 4000 years, humans have developed the habit of pooing in toilets. Pooing elsewhere is generally considered at best inappropriate (I'm being generous here), and usually raises the eyebrows of mental health officials, particularly if you're in the vicinity of several 24-hour restaurants more than willing to accomodate your 7-pound growler in exchange for nothing more than a cup of coffee. But, apparently you declined to exert the minimal effort it would have taken to retain your butt shuttle for a block and a half and avoid brown trouting where my Goodyears are supposed to go. If you really feel compelled to fashion a grunt sculpture in a parking stall, you're more than welcome to shell out the $146 monthly fee for a stall of your very own -- plenty of space to for you to deposit fly-infested brownies to your heart's content. You could even entertain guests. Until then, see if you can catch up to the rest of the human race and cram a cork in it, pal. One more thing. To the guy whose (evidently) brand new Dockers discovered the potato a split second before his eyes did -- I feel your pain, man. At least you weren't wearing flip-flops.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Vancouver <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-09-28T12:22:01-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/213492593.html To the guy who crapped in my parking stall last night.... text Little Old Chinese Ladies http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/210007474.html OK, I know what I'm talking about? I mean, I've played rugby for years, I've coached it for years, too. I know good tackling technique and good body position when I see it. And so I stand in awe of some of the Chinese little ancient women who muscle their way into and out of crowded buses. Not only is their timing impeccable, they show all the brutality and ruthlessness you'd hope for in a test-match prop. They may be diminutive, they may not possess the sheer bulk of an international rugby player - but they could teach the All Black forwards a thing or two about body position when entering a ruck. They can get you right under the ribs, from the most unexpected angles, sending you reeling, wondering what hit you. They can headbutt you in the elbow, elbow you in the knees. They can slip from behind you, through the door and away in the time it takes you to lift a foot to step through the door. They move with such speed, skill and deadly aggression that it's a wonder the CIA hasn't recruited all of them to be covert assassins. Perhaps they have. And it's not just on buses. In a throng of people visiting a night market this summer, who were bumping off the citizenry right and left? You guessed it - Chinese little ancient women (CLAW's). Impassively, with only the slightest wrinkling of the brow to belie the concentration needed to inflict the most accidental injury, they would - "bulldoze" is too large and clumsy a word - incise their way like little scalpels through the crowd. And with their lethally hard shoes, no toes were safe. Even when visiting a museum exhibition, with lots of people milling around the main exhibits, I was agog as the throng of CLAW’s elbowed me aside and kicked my heels and calves. It was amazing. With great aplomb, and completely ignoring the existence of anyone else, the CLAW’s went blithely along, colliding with one another with the regularity and lack of emotion of fairground dodgems. It was like human pinball, ancient bodies careening off each other in all directions. Of course, this substantially increased the likelihood of being battered. The difference, in this instance, from being ribbed by a CLAW stepping off a bus, was that there were dozens of them, all moving in different directions. Walking the length of a single museum room was like doing Niagara in a barrel - but without the protection of the barrel. A nudge here, a knee there, a cranium to the funny bone. NO matter how much I dodged and hopped, sidestepped and swerved, I couldn't avoid continual impact. I reached the far end of the room, bruised and disoriented, thinking seriously of abandoning the whole exhibition and going to find an emergency ward somewhere. What's my point? Well, I figure, with Canada's Chinese population aging, (I read recently that 25 percent of the immigrant populace will be over 65 in a few years' time), that such talent should be harnessed in some way. I challenge anyone out there in readerland to come up with a scheme in which such completely disinterested violence can be put to good use.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Richmond <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-09-20T14:01:58-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/210007474.html Little Old Chinese Ladies text Sleeping with the enemy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/209587182.html I woke up this morning to find my ex-boyfriend in my bed with me. I almost had a coronary but then The Optimist in Me (TOM) gave me a proverbial high five, “he’s hot, he’s smart – you DID date him afterall and you have fabulous taste in men. He’s not a stranger, so no need to be embarrassed about using the bathroom or trying to look sexy while you search, naked, on all fours, for your underwear, or worrying about the appropriate leaving protocol (he’s already got your number and knows your name)…all in all, an easy, no-strings-attached evening!” But then the Jaded Cynic in Me (JCM) bitch-slapped me and screamed in my face, “no strings attached? Are you fucking NEW? You were OVER him! This is AGAINST THE RULES! DUMBASS!” I was hurt by JCM’s analysis of the situation. In my defense, I had a bad, boring weekend. My friends were all busy in the ‘burbs doing married-people things like arguing over mortgages, children, and whose turn it was to clean up Scooby’s shit on the new carpet to hang out with me; I was feeling bad for myself because I want a husband of my own to argue with over money, kids and pet shit! So there I was, pining over white picket fences and shitty carpets while sitting in my cold, rented basement suite when he called. If I had been preoccupied with a life that didn’t resemble that of a 20 year old student (for the record, I’m almost 30, not a student anymore, have no life, no assets…I DO have a nice ass, though, which is better than being a fat-assed loser, TOM tells me. I feel marginally better now), I wouldn’t have answered, but I do NOT have a life (a nice ass though, TOM would like to remind us. Thanks, bro, back at ya)…so that’s how it transpired. Meeting X for coffee sounded like more fun than listening to Pat Benetar “Love is a Battlefield” on repeat (which, for the record, I wasn’t doing – I’m not THAT big of a loser…yet. But it accurately reflects my feelings of self-deprecation lately). It was supposed to be coffee but you know how it goes: java turns into dinner, dinner turns into drinks, drinks turn into more drinks….and the next thing you know your alarm is going off and the side of your face is stuck in someone else’s dried slobber (at least you hope it’s dried slobber). Anyway, I want to get my girlfriends’ opinions about this, HOWEVER, I know what the verdict will be: “You’re not going to meet Mr. Right if you’re wasting your time with Mr. Wrong!” or more likely, “DUMBASS! YOU WERE OVER HIM! This is NOT part of the BREAKUP RULES!” (that friend has clearly been conspiring with JCM)…which explains why I’m ranting anonymously to strangers. It’s true, my friends are right: it’s close to impossible to meet someone new and move on if you’re still hanging out with your ex. But I guess I don’t want to hear it. Someone please tell me that there’s light at the end of the breakup tunnel! I know there is, but it’s hard to remember. Plus, I’m so exhausted and I really don’t want to start dating again. Sleeping with my ex-boyfriend clearly doesn’t help my situation but after reading all these rants about how everyone hates Vancouver women (hello?!) I can’t say that I’m too excited to get back into the (cynical/misogynistic?) dating scene…   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Vancouver <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-09-19T16:09:45-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/209587182.html Sleeping with the enemy text Furniture Shopping Around the World with Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/206484440.html • It’s a Sleigh Bed not “slay bed”. That would be a very bad advertising point. • Your dining set is Wrought Iron, not “rod iron” and definitely not “rot iron”. • You originally purchased your lovely lamps at Saks 5th Avenue, not Sac’s. I think they sell something entirely different there. • I’m pretty sure your antique dresser has a pickle finish (whatever that is) and it’s fabulous rather than the “pickel finish in Fabulas condition” that you claim. • “Couch in good condition no rips or tears” is to furniture what “quaint cottage” is to real estate. • Having more than 7 exclamation points following your lovely item’s description or TYPING IN ALL CAPS does not make it any more valuable. • Calling something a bargain does not make it so. • They’re not chester drawers… it’s a chest of drawers. • “Distressed wood”, “Retro”, “Period piece” “Shabby chic” and “Authentic vintage” = really ugly, ca.1972. • “Really well built” and “very well made” = really very ugly. • “Must Sacrifice” = gambling debt. • “Selling only because I am moving” = gambling debt. • “If time weren't of the essence I would want $750 for everything but since I have to leave pretty soon the first person with $300 who can pick it all up gets it!” = gambling debt. • What you paid for it originally really and truly has absolutely no bearing whatsoever on what we are willing to pay for it now. • There’s no such thing as a China Hut. Well, of course a dwelling in China or an establishment that sells dishes but I’m pretty sure you meant “hutch”. • We don’t care what it’s selling for on Ebay. If it were true, wouldn’t you be selling it on Ebay? • “My loss is your gain” = Good riddance. • FYI: You cannot be over the age of 25 and go to school or obtain training of any kind. (“You pick it up and it's free to any college student, otherwise $100 for everyone else. If you are 25+ years old, you are NOT a student.”) • “Kewl” = cool. If you are 25+ years old, you will NOT understand this. • “This piece would work with any décor” = except yours. • For $2000 you can have “WOW! A BEAUTIFUL INDOOR WATERFALL- A VACATION IN YOUR HOME....!!!!!” Or, you can take a 2 week actual vacation in Hawaii. • Photos very rarely “do this item justice” and taking pictures that do is apparently not an option. • People in South Carolina seem to have a much better grip on what a used couch is worth than people in LA, NY or Vegas. • Used Ikea furniture only sells in areas where there is no actual Ikea store. • Apparently since Ikea originated in Sweden, there is no furniture for sale on CL Sweden. • Everything in every European house was bought at Ikea. • “This double bed is not for couples to sleep in full time, though we did for four months.” Well, screw you we’re buying your bed and doing it anyway! • Classic definition of pushing your luck: “I am looking for a living room set. I would prefer black leather but a dark green or burgundy would do as well. Preferably just the sofa and love seat. I am on a very limited budget and I would also be interested in the same colors in material. Ideally I would like it to be like a Elran but I know I am pushing my luck.” • “Willing to let it go” = Please, please get this thing out of my house. • Is “disused office furniture” unused or misused…? • “New” is to furniture you’ve brought home as “Used” is to a car you drive 2 miles off the lot • “Rediculous couches” apparently actually means a really good deal, not silly seating. • “Beautiful framed art” = always framed, sometimes art, rarely beautiful. • “No Idiots please!” and “PLEASE DO NOT CONTACT ME IF YOU ARE STUPID OR CANNOT FOLLOW DIRECTIONS” = CL virgin- take advantage. • Gateleg tables and fainting couches are real things, and breakfront is not a misspelling of breakfast. • Can a credenza be sexy? Evidently, yes, in San Diego, ooh-la-la for only $50. • $5 for a cedar chest originally purchased in 1947- now THAT’S a deal- even in 1947!   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around world <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-09-12T16:19:31-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/206484440.html Furniture Shopping Around the World with Craigslist text Rules for Back to School http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/200921400.html With school just around the corner (oh dear, is it that time already?), I thought now would be the perfect time to remind y'all about proper classroom etiquette. Now, keep in mind I'm a university student, so most of this is based on what I've seen in my classes, but I'm sure it can apply to any classroom. This list of rules is intended to make class nicer for everyone. None of us likes to have to sit through boring lectures, but we can make it easier for everyone by not annoying the hell out of those around us. Here goes: 1. Turn off your freakin' phone! Seriously. Turn it off. Or at the very least, turn off the ringer. Oh, and if you have one of those phones that vibrates so violently it can double as a sex toy, turn off the vibrator too. We can all hear it. It's just as distracting as that stupid song it plays when the ringer's turned on. 2. I can understand that you just ate an onion and garlic sandwich, and I'm not judging you for that. And I commend you for putting a stick of gum in your mouth to cover up the smell. Thank you. Now close your mouth. Yes, I can hear the slurpy chewing noise. And it's grosser than your onion breath was. If you must chew gum in class, keep your mouth closed! 3. So this is a tough course, eh? You've got lots of questions? Well, good on ya for asking. Most people are too shy to raise their hand in class. But seriously, if you're asking more than 20 questions in a 50-minute lecture, I'm going to kill you. If the course material is so beyond you that you have to ask a stupid question every 2 minutes, maybe you should check the prerequisites again. 4. I'm really sorry that you caught that nasty cold going around. It sure blows donkey balls being sick, doesn't it? The sore throat, the cough, the headache, the runny nose...blech. I really do feel for you. But I also feel for me and everyone else around me who has to listen to you sniffle every 3 seconds. Kleenex is cheap. It's pretty easy to come by. They've been packaging it in those little mini plastic bags for as long as I can remember. Why don't you have some? Why do you have to make the rest of us listen to you sucking your drizzly snot up your nasal tract? Just blow it! 5. Class is at 10:00am. Not 10:05. Not 10:10. Not 10:15. Etc. Sure, everyone sleeps in once in a while. And that's cool. If you're late the odd time, and you quietly come in and take the nearest empty seat, you're forgiven. But if you're 15 minutes late every day, and then you walk across the room in your loud stiletto boots and have to shuffle past 4 people so you can sit in the middle of the row next to your friend, you're most definitely not forgiven. If you can't make it to your class on time, ever, then DON'T TAKE THE CLASS! 6. Speaking of your friend in the middle of the row, it must be nice to see him, huh? You haven't seen him since yesterday! But please, I beg you, I IMPLORE you, visit with him AFTER class! You can tell him about how drunk you got last night (which is why you were late) AFTER class! The rest of us are trying to listen and take notes. It's really hard when we're also listening to you yapping to your friend about your new Prada purse. So STFU. 7. 8:00 classes suck. I get it. I'm tired too. We're all tired. But do you see the rest of us sleeping on our desks? No, we're here to learn. We do our sleeping at night. We get really pissed off when we have to listen to you snoring and see you drooling on your desk. Just go home. 8. Your phone just rang. I TOLD you to turn it off. No biggie. You quickly reached into your Prada purse and grabbed hold of it and stopped it from ringing. But now you're...wha?!? No, don't just put it back! Turn it off this time! Weren't you embarassed enough the first time it rang? Why would you leave it on and put it back in your Prada purse? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck... 9. So you have 5 straight hours of class today? Wow, that's rough. When do you find time to eat? Oh, you have to eat in class. Well, I guess I can understand that. Seriously, go ahead and eat. But, wait, is that a tuna salad sandwich you're pulling out? Oh, dear. It's an EGG salad sandwich! And you're sitting half an inch away from me. Excuse me while I go barf. Well, I feel better now. I'm sure there are many more things that could go on this list, but it's been a few months since I was in class and I can't remember them all. Feel free to add more. And feel free to print out this list and post on your classroom door. Or hand a copy to the dumbass eating the tuna sandwich. Whatever. Enjoy you class!  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Everywhere <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-08-30T10:49:55-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/200921400.html Rules for Back to School text Re: Necrophilia http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/182234107.html Your neighbor is a necrophiliac? Do you know how hard it is to be a necrophiliac? I mean... first off... you have to want to fuck dead people, that in it's own right is fucked up right? So next, you have to FIND a dead person. I mean honestly here man, it's not like there's just cadavers laying around in random environments ripe (rotten?) for the plucking you know? So say you DO find a dead person, and you're totally feeling their... vibe?... then you have to find an environment where you can continuously have 'THE SEX' with this dead hottie (coldy?) and mask the odour. Believe you me my friend, there's gonna be some ranky ass stench, right? Which is hillarious considering guys are like "damn, wash the coochie bitch..." and then they're totally vibing off the most rotten coochie out there... ok, back to the point. So the most famous case of necrophilia was this dude who's wife kicked it right... and then he totally stuffed her (i mean, not physically... well that came later... i mean quite literally fucking stuffed her with some shit to prevent the whole... you know.. decaying thing) after he stuffed her he would do her man... and then he kept her refrigerated, well.. frozen i guess.. and dude would thaw her out for a good ... time. So anyway, unless this person you know... WORKS in like... a mortuary or something, it makes for some pretty awkward steps to get to the whole... banging dead people thing. Now here's one for ya... i've DISECTED cadavers... and i gotta tell ya, i wasn't feeling it... Now, i'm a chick mind you, and would need a stiff one... but for some reason the stiff just wasn't stiff enough ya know? Fucking dead people is highly overrated and not nearly as easy as it sounds.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-07-14T22:21:31-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/182234107.html Re: Necrophilia text ugh you bug me lube guy http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/157332688.html so I work at a grocery store part time evenings..(this is after my full 8 hour day of 9 to 5'ness) So picture my average day is 12-16 hours long 4 times a week. When I get to my second job I'm already a zombie and I'm there to bag crap for 8 bucks an hour and go home. So today, this guy comes in and buys a few things, including lubricant. (like astroglide) He had it flipped over so I couldnt see what it was but unfortunately, neither can my scanner. so when I flip it over, he flips out on me and says "I'm not respecting his privacy!" Like are you kidding me? What the mother fuck was that all about? I'm like "okay, sorry, what?" He goes "you dont have to like examine what I'm buying you know, you can just scan it" First off buddy, the barcode is on the back, which you had facing up, THAT IS WHAT SCANS IDIOT. Secondly, I dont give a rats ass what you are buying, you or anyone for that matter.I dont even look at the screen or the products, if I hear a little "beep" thats my signal that it's rung through. If it doesnt beep then I flip it over most likely still looking at the next item up, not examining what is in your purcahses. the only thing I have to put any thought into is produce becasue they are coded,and even then I mistake gala apples for Fuji's and what have you, seriously, I'm not paying attention. Third, you think you are the only one with such purchases? How do you think lil ol granny feels when she buys depends undergarments? I bet she just loves bringing those up, thats got to be just a blast for her. How about the people who have to buy wart cream, hemmorhoid crap, whatever the fuck it is, there is some shit that I'm sure most people would prefer to get from a vending machine rather then to face another human being. Lucky for you I'm too zoned out to even notice. I cant tell if you're buying rash cream or salad dressing in a tube. So here's my tip ,if you dont want to bring attention to yourself, dont make a fucking scene! Go to a pharmacy where buying lube is the least of the evils they see considering they give out prescriptions for std's, rash's etc, somer fucking lube is probably the joy of the day, at least you aint sick! For the record, I cant speak for every grocery clerk, but I for one don't notice what goes in your bag. I coudlnt care less if you only buy organic, or like your flavoured bottled water. With 200 people a day at least through my checkout, I wont even remember you the next day much less if you had some lube in your bag. I will however say this. The one thing I notice is a single carrot. People buy like 5 apples, lettuce, 4 tomatoes, bag of mushrooms, 3 onions,and then there it is, 1 single carrot, wrapped in a bag.Now I read in Vice magazine last month a report of produce that is best used in leu of a dildo,and carrot came out on top. I think its the shape maybe, the ribbed texture, the fact that it is neither too big nor too small for either a vagina or an asshole, take your pick and gender.. So I'll admit it, unless you also have 1 piece of celery, 1 apple, 1 tomato, 1 carrot might seem a bit out of place with all your other purchases. But hey, I aint judging, carrot, eggplant, whatever you want to stick wherever you want it, its only my job to make sure you pay for it. Wether you get what you pay for later is up to you. So unless you are buying 1 carrot AND a bottle of Lube, Take comfort that I dont care what you are buying or why. Have a nice day! p.s Paper or plastic?  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-05-03T22:07:32-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/157332688.html ugh you bug me lube guy text Myths and Truths http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/152468438.html Some rants and accumulated experience about women. Men in happy marriages or stable relationships don't need to read this; neither do men who get laid every week (or even every month). The "truth" I'm putting out here is for all of those men who, like me, worship women and can't figure out why they keep getting screwed over and dumped. The myths are things that I used to believe before I wised up. MYTH: Women want love and affection. Women want to be treated well. If you treat a woman well, she'll treat you well. TRUTH: Young women want whatever other young women want. They're herd creatures. If you lavish a woman with love and affection she'll think you're doing it because nobody else wants you (which may be true) and she'll dump you. In fact, if you do anything that betrays that you're a loser that other women won't touch, she'll dump you. Why? Because she wants to impress her friends with what a great catch she's made, and if she thinks that they wouldn't want you, then she doesn't want you either. There are only three exceptions to this rule. The first exception is psychos, otherwise known as "witches, bitches, and crazy ladies." They'll stay with you because nobody else wants them, or because you're the only one who put up with their abuse. The second exception is women who like to "fix men up": those women who like to take "broken" men and turn them into the man they want. These women are single because a mature man will recognize that these women don't want him... they want to turn him into someone else. The third exception is that once in a long time you meet a woman who isn't psycho, still wants to stay with you when she finds out that you're not super stud, and doesn't want to change you into someone else. This is the one you marry. BITTER MYTH: Women are out for money. TRUTH: Women are out for status and fun or for security, depending upon their age. A few women are out for cold cash, but not too many. Status-seeking women aren't ready to settle down. They just wanna have fun, and they want their girlfriends to know it. They're looking for a guy they can dangle in front of their friends and say, "Look what I got!" You don't have to have money to be that guy, you just have to come across as desirable. Of course if you have money you don't need to do anything else, but having no money isn't the end of the world. The women who are out for security have had their wild fling and want to settle down. They want a guy who can provide a stable base for the future (and that includes finances). All in all it's sort of like what guys do (and women whine about endlessly): when you're young you want some bright, bubbly thing with huge tits, a nice ass, and a trimmed bush who screams like a banshee in bed, although you'll settle for much less; when you're ready to get married you want a nice girl who isn't going to break your balls. They're usually different people unless you're very, very lucky. Young women want bad boys who will show them a good time. When they're ready to get married they want some guy who is going to be able to pay to keep them comfortable. MYTH: Women are out for looks. TRUTH: See above. Women are out for looks, after a fashion. A guy in good physical shape who wears decent-looking clothes is attractive because he looks after himself and probably isn't a wimp or a whiner. She can convince her friends that he's a "catch." A guy who looks and smells like a laundry bin, or who can't climb a few flights of stairs without a rest had better have some spectacular attribute to show off to her friends (like being a genius) or he's not worth her time. Any guy can compensate for lack of looks or lack of money with showmanship. He doesn't have to be a catch, just seem like one. All he has to do is make her friends think, "Damn, I wish I were going out with him instead of the loser I'm with." MYTH: I should find one woman I like who likes me, and stick with her through thick and thin. TRUTH: This is the biggest mistake I ever made. I used to be loyal to whomever I was with, even when someone better came along. All that happened was that I missed out on some great opportunities while I hung on with losers that ended up dumping me anyway. Do this if the two of you are getting married; once you've tied the knot it's a whole other can of worms. However, if you're just dating, do exactly the opposite. In very subtle ways you have to let her know that although you like her, there are lots of other women out there and you still notice them. Glance at tits and legs. Smile at and chat with pretty ladies, even while she's with you (you're just being friendly, of course). This is the most important thing I've learned about dating in a decade. I even thought of dating WASP bitches again, so long as I could keep this in mind. Never, never let her know that she's the only game in town. As soon as she believes that she's your "everything," she'll start whining and bitching and making demands. Think of it like buying a car. If you let the salesman know that this is your dream car, that you've stayed awake nights thinking about buying exactly this car, do you think the price will go down? Of course not! He'll jack the price up as high as he thinks he can go and still have you buy it. If you tell your girl that you've dreamed all of your life of going out with someone like her, do you think she'll smile and kiss you and things will go on as before? Of course not! She'll realize that you'll put up with more of her bad habits, and that she can put up with fewer of yours, and the bitching will start. She'll try to make the relationship as comfortable for her as possible and still keep it going. Remember the car salesman? Remember the attitude that "this is a nice car, but there are hundreds of other great ones, including that one across the street", even as your heart is thumping and you're practically drooling? If you're just dating, this is the attitude to take. MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means being able to tell someone my problems. TRUTH: Nobody gives a shit about your problems. Nobody ever will. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the reality of being a man. Want to tell people about your problems? Get a sex change. Or join a men's group; the flip side is that you have to listen to their problems, but it helps. I know of only two kinds of women who want to hear about your problems: ones with far more problems than you have, and ones who fancy themselves amateur psychiatrists and like "fixing" men. Neither is good company. Let's face it: many women spend all day whining to their friends about how awful their lives are and listening to their neurotic friends responding in kind. The last thing they want to do is go out with you and hear more of the same. To make matters worse, women simply don't "get" many of men's problems. Women have problems with things that don't even bother us, but they expect us to be understanding or at least tolerant; we have problems with things that don't even bother them, and no amount of explaining will cause the light to go on or elicit any sympathy. So why not just commit hara-kiri now? Because it's not that bad. You get over it. In particular, once you figure out how to handle women a lot of your problems seem smaller and more manageable. MYTH: Having a girlfriend / fiancée / wife means someone will finally understand me. TRUTH: Understanding—true understanding—takes decades. If you spend most of your time with the love of your life trying to explain yourself, she will have nothing but contempt for you, for two reasons. First, because she doesn't want to hear your whining (see above). Second, and more important, women want to maintain the self-delusion that they already understand men. Women everywhere claim that they understand men and that "men are simple creatures." The truth is that women haven't a clue where most men are coming from and furthermore they care only insofar as they want to control us. Nonetheless, they want to maintain the fiction that they have us figured out. It's a pride and status thing. A woman who doesn't "understand" her man can't control him, and a woman who can't control her man is a loser. The more you try to explain yourself, the more complex and multi-dimensional you become (a.k.a. "difficult"), and the less she can claim to understand you. Besides, most of the time you're explaining yourself to her you're really trying to figure yourself out. Go do it in a corner, hire a professional listener, or join a men's group. She doesn't want to hear it. If you master the art of keeping your problems to yourself she will complain bitterly about this. She will bitch and whine that you're not open enough and that she has to drag things out of you. She will also secretly love this. It gives her one more thing to complain about to her friends. MYTH: If only I could meet the right woman, my life would have meaning. TRUTH: If your life doesn't have meaning right now, when you're single, then a relationship isn't going to help. You'll pile too much baggage on top of the delicate emotional bonds too early, and the whole thing will collapse like a house of cards. Want to see this in action? Watch women: they do this all the time. In particular, women who whine about men who can't make a commitment are probably doing exactly this: looking to a man to make their life mean something. It doesn't work. The only way to have a happy life is to develop one for yourself, then leave an opening for someone else to come and share it with you. Neither of these two things is easy. In particular, it's too easy once you've developed a life for yourself to end up with someone who was doing exactly what you were doing before—waiting for Prince Charming (or in your case Lady Love)—to come and rescue her life. People like this end up draining away all of that energy you've worked so hard to build up, leaving you exhausted and frustrated. Take it from me: I waited for Lady Love for decades. Finally I gave up, got angry, got off my ass and tried to make a life for myself, and suddenly I was surrounded by women who wanted to date me. After a while I met someone who was very special to me and I married her. Now my life is about the same as before, but I have someone with whom to share it. As much as I prefer being with someone, I must tell you that having her with me doesn't make my life any more or less meaningful. I'm pretty much where I was before, only now I have company, which is nice. [P.S.: After two years she turned into one of those people who was waiting for her life to mean something, and she drained away all of my good energy. Oh well. Some things just don't turn out as planned, no matter how hard you try. Rats.] MYTH: If I treat a woman well and listen to what she says, she'll stop complaining TRUTH: Women never stop complaining. For them, it's a sport. Some complain more than others, but none of them will ever stop, any more than one day men will stop discussing football. Men have built civilizations, created law, invented husbandry (that's keeping domestic animals by the way, not marriage; women invented marriage), built skyscrapers, invented cars, washing machines, antibiotics, toilets, computers, and microwave ovens, and generally dragged us out of caves and into condos. Don't kid yourself: men did it all. If it were up to women we'd still be living in caves and dying at 20. I know that men did it all because I know why they did it: they hoped that it would stop women complaining. It didn't. If you listen to your girlfriend's bitching and try to make everything better, you'll suffer the same fate as all the men who came before: you'll run yourself ragged, and at the end of it all she'll still be bitching. If you ignore all but the most important complaints, she'll bitch about that, too, but you'll feel far better about your life. MYTH: Men don't listen to women because men don't care about women. TRUTH: Men ignore women because women normally have nothing worthwhile to say. This is not a condemnation of women, but rather a difference in what talking is for. This is one of the few areas where John Gray has something useful to say. Men mull things over, organize things in their heads, then speak. Men have to do this because they have to get things done, and if they blabbered all day long about nothing in particular then eventually other men would pay them no attention. Men talk to communicate ideas, negotiate compromises, and secure cooperation. Life and experience has taught men to be brief and pithy. Women talk to organize their thoughts. It's the difference between doing the math problem in your head and writing the answer at the top of the page, and scribbling all over the page in order to arrive at the answer in the bottom corner. Women want men to listen to them. Women want men to follow along as they scribble all over the page, not just wait for the answer. Quite frankly, who cares? As I mentioned above, there are lots of things that women don't want to hear from men. If you want to talk about these things, you'll have to find some other men who want to listen, because she sure as hell won't. If she wants to attach her mouth to her brain and vocalize all of her mental processes then she should find someone who cares to listen, in other words another woman. MYTH: She said she loves me. She must think I'm really special. TRUTH: When women say, "I love you" it can mean almost anything. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," "I'm desperate to get married and have babies and you're the best thing I've come across so far," "You're better than the last jerk I went out with," "You're the best guy I've come across this week," "All my girlfriends are in love and I want to be too," "I have a million problems and I want you to feel obliged to listen to them," "I want another date and I want you to feel like you have to ask me out again," "It's time I put my foot down and started controlling you," and any number of other things. OK, most women think they mean it when they say, "I love you." However, remember the old saying, "It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind"? She loves you this minute. Maybe today. Maybe this week. Maybe even this month. However, this says nothing about how she will feel next month, next week, or tomorrow. One of the biggest problems men like me have is that when we say, "I love you" to a woman we want to really mean it. Like "I love you forever." Men don't understand that a woman can say, "I love you forever" and change her mind next week. All she does is convinces herself that in hindsight, and despite everything you've ever said or done, you never really loved her, so all the times she said, "I love you" didn't really count. You have to learn to use the same language. Go ahead and say, "I love you," but inside your head say, "I love you right now. Tomorrow may be a different story." When you break up and she screams that you said you loved her, tell her that you did, but she did this and that and now you don't love her any more. When women say, "I love you" they aren't promising eternal devotion, so why should you be? One day you'll meet a woman who says, "I love you" and it'll really hit home. You'll test her love a bit and it will hold up. That's the one you marry. MYTH: Women understand relationships; men don't. TRUTH: This myth is perpetuated by women, pussy-whipped men, and psychiatrists. If women truly understood relationships... that is, if they understood relationships with men... then we wouldn't have a 45% divorce rate. Maybe back in the pioneer days women understood relationships. These days, they have coffee with their girlfriends, talk about "men", examine and dissect relationships, study interpersonal dynamics, talk, talk, talk about what works and what doesn't, then go out and perfectly screw up their next relationship. I know. I've watched it happen from the sidelines. Women spend more time analyzing relationships; they talk about them incessantly, and in doing so discover more truths than men know. However, all of this talk in a vacuum also means that their heads are filled with more bullshit and myth than are men's. The combination of superior insight and copious nonsense puts them right back where we are. Men tend to see what's going on in a relationship more clearly, but have no idea how to express what they see or what to do about it. Women would probably know what to do about it if they could only see it as it truly is, instead of through a fog of preconception. The other big difference between the sexes is that women are absolutely certain that they know what is going on, whereas men make no such claim. The last man who claimed to have his own radical theories about relationships was Freud, and nobody pays any attention to him any more. It is women's ideas about relationships and why they do or don't work that have been imported lock, stock, and barrel into the field of psychiatry. Most male therapists you'll meet are basically honorary women with university degrees, and as such they don't really understand relationships either. MYTH: Women are fairer and more even-handed than men TRUTH: Nothing could be further from the truth. Traditionally men have favoured the same rules for everyone: "He who lives by the sword dies by the sword." Women on the other hand make up the rules as they go along. Although women's approach is patently unfair, it was valuable when they had to be the ones to point out that the rules needed to be changed, or that the rules should be bent in some cases. Back then they did this for the good of everyone. These days men still feel bound by rules, but women are in a conflict of interest. They still keep watch over the rules and break them as they always have, but now they modify and break the rules in their own favour. Men's justice is often harsh, but it's fair. Women's justice is arbitrary and these days often self-serving. (Liberal "situational ethics" are essentially the same as women's ethics.) You'll find this out quickly in a relationship. The joke going around about "The Rules" and how women change them all the time isn't such a joke. It's a documentary. If you doubt this, think of it this way. A man caught breaking or bending the rules of good behaviour will become either defensive or repentant; his wife will beat him over the head with his transgression for months, if not years. A woman caught modifying the rules of good behaviour to suit herself will giggle and freely admit it. She thinks it's a game. MYTH: Women do a lot for the relationship; men do a lot for themselves TRUTH: My ex-girlfriend invented a little ditty that made her puff up with smug, self-satisfied pride. It went like this, "Women think of 'we'; men think of 'me'." OK, so e.e. cummings she wasn't. The point is that she actually believed this, and a lot of other women do, too. She thought that she was living and breathing our "relationship," while I was just kind of hanging around and taking up space. Meanwhile, I drove her everywhere (she couldn't drive), I spent hours making her gifts and writing her notes, and I spent hours thinking about what was going on with us and where we were going. The truth of the matter is that women don't think of 'we' any more or less often than men do. Women think of their own needs most of the time, too. The difference is that women redefine their own needs as being those of "the relationship". For example, when a man needs to talk to his belle about something, he says, "I need to talk to you." When a woman needs to talk to her beau about something, she says, "We need to talk." Notice the difference? Suddenly what she needs becomes what we need. Women do this all the time, and then pout and whine that they work so hard at the relationship and you don't. In fact they're just playing with words. The other truth is that there are two relationships: the one you're really in—the one that exists between you and her—and the one in her head. Remember how women are always talking and theorizing about "relationships"? Well, much of what she defines as "our relationship" is really just a collection of theories and prejudices from past conversations with her girlfriends, and has nothing to do with what's going on between the two of you. In that sense, even if she is doing more for "the relationship," it isn't necessarily anything that concerns her real relationship with you. MYTH: Women are more involved in the relationship; men are more aloof. TRUTH: Finally one that's true. The false part is the assumption that being deeply involved in the relationship is always a good thing, and that aloofness is fatal to relationships. If you doubt this, look around you and find a couple in which both people do little else but sit around with each other and talk, and watch how fast the relationship blows itself apart. Every relationship has to have a balance between looking inward and looking outward. Most women who complain that their men don't pay enough attention to "the relationship" aren't seeing the relationship clearly and/or are buried in "the relationship" up to their necks and so are creating more problems than they solve. Recently I was skimming a book by Dr. Laura and saw a chapter that gets this one right. Where is it written that when a man wants to go back to college and a woman wants to get married, and she gets angry that he's "not thinking of the relationship" that she's automatically right? Maybe the right thing to do at that moment is for both of them to go back to college for a couple of years. Women confuse obsessing about "the relationship" with healthy involvement, particularly considering that half the time they're seeing stuff that isn't even there. Sometimes your relationship needs more attention than you're giving it; other times she's smothering it. The assumption that more involvement equals more love simply isn't true. MYTH: When she says no, she means no (so why am I so confused)? TRUTH: Nobody means no every time they say "no." Think about it: do you? You've never said no when you were too shy to say yes? You've never said no because you were nervous, didn't know what you were getting into, and didn't really have time to think about your answer? You've never said no because you thought that was the right thing to do even though you really wanted to say yes? You've never said no and then changed your mind? You've never said no as a joke, just to get a rise out of someone, when you really meant yes? I've done all of these things at one time or another; most men I know have, and most women I know have as well. However, for men there's a catch. If she's prone to saying no when she really means yes, then you should dump her. Immediately. Especially if she's told you in no uncertain terms "no" and then starts dropping huge hints that you're supposed to ignore this and go for it anyway. Dump the bitch. This is just far too dangerous. If you doubt this, imagine sitting in court, accused of rape. "Did she tell you no, Mr. Smith?" "Yeah, but afterward she tried to rip my pants off, then stripped naked and sat on my face!" "But did she say no, Mr. Smith?" "Umm... yes she did." "Case closed." I once went out with a woman who told me, on our second date, that there was no way she would sleep with me, that her ex-boyfriend was coming to visit and that it would be "too complicated" if she were sleeping with me when he came to stay. On our third date she did everything to let me know that she wanted me, including lying on my bed, making comments about removing her clothes for a nude massage. Spooked, I drove her home, dropped her off, and never went out with her again. I consider it one of the smartest things I've done in my dating life. (Incidentally, apparently so does she. Every time I meet her she asks why I don't call her any more.) MYTH: Women are social geniuses; all women get along well with each other, while men just fight TRUTH: I lived in a mixed-sex dorm for two years in university where each floor was segregated by sex. It alternated: one floor men, one floor women, one floor men, etc. A few nearby residences were completely mixed. A couple of the men's floors looked much the worse for wear at the end of the year. You know, men are so destructive. The women's floors all looked perfect. All the girls were smiling and friendly. Talk to any of them, however, and they'd tell you that they hated living on an all-female floor, and every last damned one of them was moving to the mixed dorms the very next year, and not with each other. According to them, underneath the tidy rooms and smiles were claws and forked tongues. Every day was a quiet, mannerly, pitched social battle. The men, on the other hand, got along just fine with only a few exceptions. Most of us were quite happy where we were, the only complaint being that we didn't see the ladies enough. One thing that is true along the lines of this myth is that any woman will defend another woman against a man, even a woman that she doesn't know. Start bad-mouthing women, even a particular woman that isn't known to "present company," and you'll find women defending her even though they have no idea what's going on. If anyone—a woman or another man—verbally attacks a man, other men will not jump in and defend him. Why? Men assume that other men can look after themselves and, after all, they're competition. Women assume that an attack on one woman is an attack on all women. BITTER MYTH: Women are all the same. TRUTH: Women are not all the same, and in particular women change with age. A woman who wouldn't give you a second look at 15 may be asking you out at 35. In part this is the dreaded "biological clock" at work, but in part it's also changing priorities. At 15 she wants to impress all of her friends with her "catch" and she is starting to learn to control men. She wants variety and excitement. At 25 she wants to have fun with no strings attached and wants to hone her controlling skills. She wants more stability but she doesn't want Ward Cleaver or Bill Gates. At 35 she realizes that the fun days are over and it's time to settle down and get serious. Boring, nerdy guys who were dog meat at 15 can be studs at 35. The guys grow up and mature, they learn to need women less, and they settle into a life of resigned solitude, which means that they cheer up because they're no longer striving for something they can't have. The field narrows, and there are fewer single guys with no divorce history. Finally, her priorities have changed. She's no longer impressed by "bad boys" on motorcycles with a few convictions for petty crime. She knows that her friends aren't impressed by flashy, fast-living rogues any longer, any more than they're still impressed by fashions from Suzy Creamcheese. She's more interested in building a nest than impressing her friends anyway (and she knows that building a nest is what will impress them). So, just because you can't get anywhere now doesn't mean that your whole life will be a write-off. Take a clue from me: I never had a single date in high school. I had one girlfriend for a year in University. Ten years later I was beating women off with a stick.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around The Horse's Mouth <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-04-18T23:09:59-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/152468438.html Myths and Truths text damn this magnificent cock! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/148746330.html Right now I'm looking for a place to live in the city, a little bit closer to work and rugby. I can't afford my own place, mostly because I want to live within a thousand miles of the city, so Ive been looking for some shared accomodations. Mostly, I've been checking out craigslist for places, and am having a bit of luck. However, the search is made a little more difficult by one thing. I'll be looking around, minding my own business, when I will stumble across the perfect place. It will be like "Room-mate wanted, large bedroom with private bathroom, kitchen, pool, cleaning robot, and furnished with revolving heart shaped bed and 90 inch plasma. Building is above a culinary shcool that will cook all your meals and pumps cinnamon buns smell into your room to wake you up. You will be sharing with single Pulitzer prize winning supermodel who won't be home as she must travel to exotic photo shoots between lectures. Will be home occasionally to practice her stripper routine, but when out of town you can use her Porsche. rent is $47." I find places like this all the time, and am nine digits into feverishly dialing the phone number when I see the punch line, those two little words that mean so much: "Female Only" Arrrggh! i got my hopes up and blam! This! What a rip-off! It's just not fair. Why should girls get special treatment? I mean sure, I guess there are so many mysogonists and creepos and jerks out there that many women would feel acutely uncomfortable living with a guy they knew, much less a total stranger. And I suppose cheaper rent is totally justified when society is set up in a way where women make less money doing the same job as men, with a glass ceiling preventing them from moving into a position where they could change that. I'll even give them the fact that a break on rent is nothing compared to the undeserved recieved benefits many men feel entitled to, the ability to be sexually aggresive without being a "slut" or reserved without being "frigid", to be "out of shape" but rarely a "fatty". All these things aside, barring all these incredibly unfair things women everywhere have to deal with, I'm still cheesed, because, well, because... Oh man, i think its because I'm a total asshole.  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> yes -- it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-04-06T09:19:07-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/148746330.html damn this magnificent cock! text RE: RANT: The 'T' is NOT silent!!!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/144733448.html Another one that gets under my skin: misuse of the word "literally". It's caught on like a bad virus in this city. STOP USING THIS FUCKING WORD! As in: "Dude, she was literally smoking hot!!" Unless she was perched atop a lit barbeque, this sentence is WRONG. "Literally" means "in a literal sense". Dumb fucks have now taken over this word, and in their misguided efforts to sound literary (how ironic), they end up coming across as fools. And worse yet, they drag normally intelligent people into the tractor beam of their Grammatic Death Star. The most common and proper use of "literally" is to distill the actual meaning of a normally figurative phrase or idiom. As in: "I tried to escape through the window, but her husband literally caught me with my pants down." In this case, the philanderer wasn't simply caught unprepared, as the common idiom "with my pants down" might suggest. Rather, thanks to the handy use of the word "literally", we are able to discern that he was ACTUALLY caught with his pants down, leaving him unable to escape undetected from his lusty fucking and sucking session with his nubile, undersexed secretary. As a side point, the husband took no offense to the intrusion, but rather found himself quite intrigued by the scenario. In fact, he stood there looking at the two of them, calmly loosening his tie, while experiencing a long-forgotten tightening in his pants. Meanwhile, the secretary and her boss stood frozen like Cheemo perogies in the back section at IGA. After a long moment of silence, the boss slowly reached down to pull up his pants and underwear in order to cover his sex-covered, dripping member. He hadn't bothered to remove his pants in the first place, he knew they were on the clock. "Stop there", whispered the husband, while the boss was bent over at his most vulnerable angle. Still in shock, the boss did as he was told. "What goes around, comes around, wouldn't you say, Arthur?" asked the husband, obviously not expecting an answer. The tightness in his pants had reached an exploding point, his 10-inch lovesnake stressing the seams of his Calvin Pro-Stretch briefs to the point of breaking. The husband strode slowly and confidently across the room towards the hunched over figure, dropped his pants with a gentle flick of his fingers, then ripped off his overworked briefs. He grabbed the cowering boss firmly by the hips, and shoved his rock hard manhood between the shaking, sweaty cheeks of his fuck-victim. Finally realizing what was happening, the boss attempted to stand up and break free, only to realize that the husband, literally, had him by the balls. Needless to say, the next 1/2 hour contained a potent mix of pain and gratification, yet surprisingly culminated in a magnificent explosion of three simulatneous orgasms. They were all three, quite literally, fucked.   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> this is in or around grammarville <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-03-23T22:39:00-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/144733448.html RE: RANT: The 'T' is NOT silent!!!! text I will miss this couch. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/139681751.html It's time to say farewell to a beloved friend and a piece of my personal history. My good ol' brown chesterfield. See, I met me a nice ladyfriend, and we've decided that ol' Brownie no longer suits our needs. It's a bachelor couch, and I'm no longer a bachelor. This is not to say men only, oh no. It's just that this couch has treated my friends and me well for many years, and I'd prefer to see it go to some nice folks who will enjoy it...four reasonably-sized asses can sit comfortably on it while playing video games, watching DVDs, drinkin' beers...it's a great couch that brought a lot of joy to those asses, and it's got a lot more ass-joy in it yet. Yes it's ugly, and no it's not in wonderful shape, but its surface is even and its springs have not yet sprung their last. I'm 6'1" and have included a pic of myself stretched full-length on it for purposes of scale; it has been, and may yet be, the site of many lazy Sunday naps. You can see that Jack and Squirrelly are also bidding their adieus. It is surprisingly comfortable and most of my houseguests over the years have preferred it to my horrible hide-a-bed. And though many weary drunken heads have passed out on it, it has never been puked on while in my care. The price? Well, I'd give it away but I'd feel bad about it. In the spirit with which ol' Brownie has been enjoyed, here's the deal: You come get it, bring a case of beer, and it's yours. I'll even help you load it. The beer's gotta be something decent à la Granville Island, OK Spring, or the like...I will not trade such a fine and loyal friend for yellow pisswater. I don't want the $20...you have to bring the beer. I think the type of folks who'll see the importance of giving ol' Brownie a good home will understand. Email me with your contact info and we'll sort you out. (Verification word is 'quits'...shit, I'm getting all misty. Aw, Brownie...I'll miss ya, pal.) <img src=139681751.1.jpg> <img src=139681751.1.jpg> robot@craigslist.org 2006-03-06T21:26:34-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/139681751.html I will miss this couch. text re: Rant - Subway: A "Sandwich Artist's" response http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/132257736.html > When you ask me what type of sub I would like, please be ready to make it so I don't have to repeat myself 5 seconds later. I understood what you said. I want you to repeat it in great hope that you will finally realize what you are ordering is the most disgusting piece of shit, walk out of the store and into oncoming traffic... then I'll have one less of you shitty people to deal with. Unfortunately, this has only happened 3 times since I worked here. > If I ask for lettuce, that doesn't include that extremely visible olive that came with it. Please don't pretend like you can't see it. If there is a large lineup, it's my boss's orders for me to move my ass. Deal with the olive princess... If you are the only one there, then it's cause I feel the olive will add flavour to that rancid piece of shit veggie-patty that you ordered. > Why can't I order a breakfast sub if its 5 minutes after 11? Maybe english is your problem. What the FUCK don't you understand about "breakfast served up until 11am"? And only child molesters order breakfast subs. > When I order more then one sub, can you please label the wrapping so I know which sub is mine. I thought those 8 subs were for you. It's common knowledge that people who eat at subway have no friends, and then eat subs to compensate, which further prevents them from ever getting a new friend. It is a deadly and sad cycle. If you are one of those rare few that do have friends, then tell us and we will gladly label your packages in awe. > You're given the title "sandwhich artist" for a reason, please be neat when topping my sub with veggies. I'm actually going to eat it when you're done. It's not my fault that you are too much of a stupid fucker to fall for that marketing bullshit. I get paid 8-bucks and saw that steaming pile half a mile away. Do you also believe Jared Fogle when he says you can eat subs and loose 80 pounds? > When I ask for tomatoes, please don't give me the discolored slices or ends. Shush... Don't disturb the sandwich artist at work. > "Subway, Eat Fresh" So why am I eating a bun that was already cut and made the day before? Cause my boss told me so. Hey, I need this $8.00 job to pay for my ever-rising tuition so one day I'll never have to eat at subway like the rest of you assholes. You're getting the old moldy bun... If you still decide to stay rather than walk out, that's not my fucking problem. > Toasted subs are great but please don't toast my sub and move on to the next order, leaving my sub to sit there and get cold. My job is to get as many of you assholes out of here as possible. If there is a large ass lineup then I'll deal with the others while you get your buns toasted. Hopefully this new asshole will hurry up and I can get back to your bun, but most of the times it is not the case. > What are the carrots for? The nose of a snowman. > When you cut my footlong sub, can you please cut all the way through. No, this will allow you to get at least a little bit of daily exercise you're trying to avoid by eating our subs. > Please clean the cutting knife after each cut. I don't want to taste the sauces of the person before me. Again, your sick-ass veggie patty sub needs some taste. I'm doing you a favour. > If you misunderstand what type of sauce I would like on my sandwhich and apply it before I can correct you, please make me a new one. Don't stand there expecting me to say "its ok" I wanted to see how far I could go. So far you have waited 20 mins for a toasted sub with old bun, sat through topings you don't want, you didn't say shit when I put junky rotten tomatoes on. At this point, I know I OWN your bitch ass, and know the only answer out of your mouth will be "it's ok". Next time I'll slide your sub between the crack of my ass and I'm still positive you will buy it with a shit-eating grin on your face. > Please give me the correct ammount of deli meat and layer it on the bread evenly. Deli meats usually comes seperated into portions. So what we pick up is what you get. If you want extra personal service, don't come to a multinational, go to your local mom-and-pop shops. I'm sorry I didn't line up the meat exactly, I left my slide-rule at home. > Does anyone actually play that new SUBtxt Hockey trivia? My last code was DW358JSR. Let me know if you win. Sorry, only you have enough time of the day to play it. > How come 2 cookies cost more then 3? So you would buy 3 cookies rather than two. > When will the stamps be back? Never, too many people were abusing it. We see less assholes in the store now, but still too many. > Thanks. Fuck off. robot@craigslist.org 2006-02-08T10:23:58-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/132257736.html re: Rant - Subway: A "Sandwich Artist's" response text Men Online – Hall of Shame http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/109202519.html Men Online – Hall of Shame The Player This guy just sends out messages & chats online practically full time. As soon as he gets you in the sack, he’s on to his next conquest. He’s slick, I hope you recognize him. In retrospect you are quite relieved you insisted on a condom despite the intense pressure and questionable “latex allergy” excuse. The Instant Relationship Guy This guy tells you all sorts of bs: “I met you & pulled my profile” “Where have you been all my life” “I want to take you my business trip to Europe with me” “I’m falling for you” “I think you’re going to marry me” “You’re so amazing”, etc etc. Wear hip waders, the shit is deep. The Liar Similar to the above guy, but these types are more creative, with a wider range of lies: they will lie about their age, height (like I wouldn’t notice??), where they live, marital status, job, whether they smoke or not, whether they have kids or not, if they are dating someone else, etc. Don’t forget the classic: “I’ll call you”. Basically, you can tell if they are lying – their lips are moving. They are the most common type found online. The Dumb Guy Poor bastard couldn’t spell if his life depended on it. Too clueless to run spell check on his 5 sentence profile. “I like purty gurls.” No punctuation. Even misspells his profession – how scary is that? The One Good Picture Guy Just has one good picture from the right angle that makes him look acceptably cute. Does not look like that at all in person. Frustrating when you had agreed to meet him for dinner & it ends up Dutch. He should pay just for the inconvenience of his misrepresentation. The Ugly Guy That Wants a Supermodel Annoying… the guy somehow reached 35 not knowing that he is a 4 out of 10. Constantly sends emails and instant messages the hot chicks, the 7 to 10’s out of 10. Would never have the courage to approach them out in public, subconsciously knows they are out of his league. WHY don’t you want to date me? Sorry, you’re not my type. What’s your type? etc etc. Invariably from Sticksville. The Intolerant Guy This guy is abusive if you don’t agree with his religious beliefs, etc. or will tell you that you are weird if there is something about you that he doesn’t understand. An insensitive prick. Doesn’t really like women that have opinions – on anything. The Sketchy Guy The only thing you find out about this guy is his licence plate number & cel number. You will date this guy quite a few times but will never find out any personal information about the elusive sketchy guy. You’ll never know his last name, see where he lives, or know where he works. You’ll never meet any of his friends, coworkers or family. Nothing, nada, zilch, zippo. You’ll wonder if he did exist at all. The Retro In A Bad Way Guy I think it’s the moustache from hell!! This guy desperately needs a Queer Eye makeover. Hasn’t shopped for new clothes in so long that he’s a sad case. Has potential, if you have the patience. I don’t. Been there, done that. Bought the t-shirt. (well, made him buy it.) The Bitter Divorced Guy This guy bitches about his ex, how she spent all his money, he never gets to see his kids, she cheated, she was such a cow, never gave him a blow job, etc etc. Waiter, bucket full o’ bitter, please. This guy is devoid of any positive thoughts, and emotionally unavailable. Suitable for dating robots. The Dad Unfortunately the only time this guy gets to see his kids is on the weekends, which coincides with when you want to go out and have a fun date with him. Always says “my beautiful 4 yr old”, etc. Why doesn’t anyone ever say, “my ugly little brat with behavioural problems”. Indulges his children’s every whim because of divorce guilt. Unfortunately the ex does too, and Junior pays the price. The No Sex Drive Guy Good sex at first but then loses interest. Forgets to mention that he is now on anti depressants, which has killed his sex drive completely. Don’t take it personally - the Limp Noodle is not because of you. Good thing you stumbled upon them in the bathroom cabinet when you were looking for a Q-tip. The Cel Phone/Blackberry Guy So attached to his device he doesn’t even know how to turn it off. Face has odd green glow from peering over that little screen every time you aren’t looking, go to the washroom, etc. This shifty eyed techno addict has the attention span of a mosquito. Usually jumpy and hopped up on coffee too. The Horny Webcam Guy Very soon into your chat with horny guy, he’ll suggest that you chat on camera, show you his abs, and ask if you have a camera. Never seems to actually date, always online looking for fresh fantasy material. The Freaky Foot Fetish Guy 2 seconds into chatting he will ask you what your feet look like. After 2 polite questions feigning interest in your profession/personality/picture, asks if you like your feet worshipped, licked, or covered with cum. A tad too intimate too soon. Recognize yourself, guys? robot@craigslist.org 2005-11-05T23:55:23-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/109202519.html Men Online – Hall of Shame text 1 Free Chicken to good home http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/100193229.html So, last night I'm on my usual walk home though east vancouver and I hear some rustling in the bushes. I look down and there is the most miserable looking little chicken I've ever seen. The warehouse at the corner of Commercial and Hasting is some kind of chicken rendering plant. Anyways, I manage to catch the chicken, which is not an easy thing to do, and bring him home. God knows what he ate off the ground or experienced while running around east van. So there is a dirty and tattered (but otherwise healthy) little chicken in my bathroom, I can hear him chirping away as I type this. He has water, some torn up newspapers and some whole grains to eat. Oh, and we put the lava lamp in there in case he got cold. Willing to give this chicken to someone who will take care of him and NOT eat him. He must be one smart chicken to escape from the death factory and then I carried his filthy ass all the way home. This chicken has earned his retirement. I'd take care of him but we have a large cat and no real yard. If possible please provide picture of Mr. Chickens new home or field. Proof that you will not eat him would help too. Thank-you Adam P.S. Please don't microwave plastic robot@craigslist.org 2005-09-26T18:53:51-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/100193229.html 1 Free Chicken to good home text 10 Reasons why Craiglist Best Of should be updated http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/90329551.html 1. I'm sitting here picking my nose. Literally. It's time for some new material, so my hands aren't so bored that they wander up for an exploratory mission. One of these days one of the fingers (like Captain Oates) won't come back. 2. I can't remember which of the last batch of Best Of's I didn't read, so I am terrified to read ANY of them in case I get one I've seen, become upset, and cry. I click on Best Of, see "My Top 10 MC List for Sac Men", yell something obscene, glare at the cat, then hover over one of the links, tempting myself to click it, but I can't do it. I just can't. So the cat gets ANOTHER glare. 3. Damn, why did I chose to write TEN reasons? Ten is a pretty big number. Sigh.... 4. My friend is starting to complain that it hasn't been updated. Not only am I so pathetic that I spend a large percentage of my waking hours checking it (damn you "My Top 10 MC List for Sac Men"!!!!), but now I am reduced to talking about Craigslist with people in real life. Yes, I do have a real life. But it is slowly amalgamating into one amorphous Craigslist amoeba of Rants, Raves, and Missed Connections. **Aside - why hasn't anyone missed me yet? Maybe I need to go on the Skytrain. Or Starbucks. Or leave the house. Hmm. 5. There's very little good humour in Vancouver's C-list. Unless, of course, you think racism, poverty, and (apparently) single fathers (??) are funny. Give me a tower of midgets on a bicycle, and I'm amused for hours, but I just can't get much of a giggle out of single fathers. Unless they are midgets. Acrobatic midgets. With exceptional balance and poise. 6. I have Physics homework about 7 1/2 inches away from my mouse. It's looming like a dark cloud with swirly mist (ok, there's no swirly mist, it's just my eyes glazing over). I'm usually pretty good at procrastinating (For example - 17 popsicles isn't enough, I need more; I'd better check to see if my porn has finished downloading, 3% WTF!!!!!!; Gosh, I never noticed how beige my walls are, I like beige...) but Craigslist has been the cornerstone of my time-wastage. Sure, there's CollegeHumor, but I'm not in the mood for titties. Ok, maybe a few pics... 7. Alright, I'm back. See how quick that was? I need MORE. I need BEST OF. 8. Best Of offers exposure to new ideas, other cultures, and the lives of people in other cities. Fine, fine, that's codswallop. Best Of offers exposure to smelly couches, stories about feces, and countless overused "10 Reasons" lists. But we love 'em, right? Right? Oh nuts. 9. Best Of offers exposure to new ideas, other cult -- crap! My brain is atrophying from lack of new material. In addition, I just smelled something funny and leaned over to smell my feet (turns out it was the no-name brand dryer sheets. Stupid dollar store - isn't the purpose of dryer sheets to REMOVE weird foot smell?). This is what it's come to, Craig. Smelling my own feet. Thanks a lot, now my neck hurts. 10. It just took me about 29 days to write this. That's plenty of time to click the button on the giant uberCraiglist machine that tallies the flaggings. I came up with 10 (count 'em, 10 - well, ok, really only 9, not counting this one, and 8 because of #3, and well, some of my reasons sucked, so maybe 5? 5 is good. Lets go with 5) divided by 2 reasons why this should be updated. That's a significant number, considering I'm really just a lazy, needy, bored student with no motivation. Reward me for my sloth. Reward me, Craig. Reward us all. robot@craigslist.org 2005-08-10T23:56:09-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/90329551.html 10 Reasons why Craiglist Best Of should be updated text Rant: Advice on Romantic Advice http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/89767740.html There is a lot of BAD romantic advice out there but there is MORE dipshits taking good romantic advice and fucking it up. Good Advice: Good eye contact is key. It shows you’re interested and you’re confident. It tells me, “I want you and I can have you.” What you should not be doing: Staring me down. Are you flirting or thinking about how my eyeballs would make a fine addition to your collection? Are you attracted to me or are you just ready to “take this outside”? If your eyes are bulging out of your head, I think you are going to “teach me a lesson” or massacre me and harvest my organs. BLINK! You’re not making me want you. You’re making me shit my pants. Good Advice: Talk to lots of people. It betters your odds. What you should not be doing: Do not hit on me, all my girlfriends, my sister, my mother, my grandmother, and the androgenous Filipino boy that’s staying with us. Do you think it makes me feel special when you say I have the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen then say the exact same thing to my friend two minutes later…IN FRONT OF ME! Do you think you’re going to get a 2-for-1 deal with me and my sister? The advice was to be fearless and talk with more people. Not to hump every leg you see. Please have more tact than my german shepherd. Speaking of dogs… Good Advice: Have an ice breaker. Not only is babysitting and petsitting a great way to give your friends a well-deserved break, but it’ll be easier to start up a conversation with the opposite sex. What you should not be doing: Asking me what I do for a living when you dog is growling, attacking, defecating, humping me/my dog, or foaming at the mouth. I’m sorry but I don’t care that you like to scuba dive. Your dog is impregnating my dog! Stop talking to me. Good Advice: If you look at them and you notice them looking at you, go up and talk to them. What you should not be doing: I’ve been staring at you because you’re just so damn ugly. You’ve caught me staring at you and you smile. My eyes grow large with horror and I quickly look down at my feet. I then pray to god that if he can get me out of this situation I will go to church more often than just when my relatives visit, fumble in my purse looking for my keys and try to get the hell out of there. If it looks like a scene from Scream with beads of sweat running down my forehead and tears in my eyes as I’m banging at the door to get out, I’m not interested. Please do not follow me. I have mace and I’ve put my keys between my knuckles. Along with bad advice, I see a lot of guys bitching on these forums because women are too shallow and materialistic to appreciate what they have to offer. Here’s what’s really going on: You are: short You think we aren’t interested because: We have the misconception that you have a small dick (btw, wake up. It probably is small just like a tall guy will probably have bigger arms and legs). What’s really going on: We don’t care what’s going on down there as long as it lasts through a tv commercial. It’s your Napoleon complex. Don’t pick fights with guys twice your size. You’re only making a fool of yourself. Don’t wear power suits that you bought in the junior section. Don’t make me call you daddy. Realize that you’re the only one hung up on your height. You are: not endowed with the resources we demand of you (aka dirt-poor) You think we aren’t interested because: We’re money grubbing whores who want to use you for all you’re worth. What’s really going on: You’re a useless free loader. You don’t work and the money that your parents give you, you spend on video games, porn, pot and car magazines. We bust our butt at work getting 70 cents on the dollar and we still have to treat you to everything. Don’t be angry because you weren’t born into a rich family. Don’t think that we expect you to be driving a Lexus and buying us diamonds. Just don’t expect me to buy you new sneakers because you spent your allowance on a bong with Bob Marley imprinted on it. You are: average-looking You think we aren’t interested because: We’re superficial. What’s really going on: We are. But if you’ve got a good personality, we’re willing to let it go. You on the other hand, are completely shallow and have absolutely no excuse for this double-standard. Plus you’re morons. In a completely unbelievably lame “She’s all that” teen movie sort of way, I transformed from an “uggo” to “fuckin’ hot” by merely taking off my glasses. If even one “average-looking” guy approached me before I turned into a so-called hottie, I would have been the easiest target but not anymore. So before you curse us for not seeing your potential, see ours. Afterall, I would have taken off the glasses while you did me doggy-style (or took me up the ass). You are: all man You think we aren’t interested because: We’ve been watching too much Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. We’re trying to change you…into a woman. What’s really going on: You’re dirty! And not in a Christina Aguilera video kind of way, in a Christina Aguilera kind of way. I’m really afraid I’m going to catch something from you. If it’s not an STD, I’ll bet it’s some rare disease that only occurs in third world countries and on your skanky body. You don’t need to be completely hairless but you have a chia pet in each ear, pubes on your back, and I can’t even see skin on your chest or legs. I don’t mind getting rug burn on my knees but you’re making my entire body chafe and I think you have fleas. Plus you smell like dirty diapers that have been left in the sun. If you use a toothbrush, it doesn’t mean you’re a fag. You are: a nice guy You think we aren’t interested because: We hate ourselves so much that we’re only attracted to guys who will feed our self-hatred. What’s really going on: You’re not nice. You’re a cry baby. You’re softer than…never mind (Mike, if you’re reading this I think a thanks is in order). You want to treat us badly and use us until someone better comes along but you don’t have the balls for it. Then you want to mope around when girls don’t come to you. In order for you to be a nice guy, be a man! You are: shy You think we aren’t interested because: We only like guys who shower us with compliments and cheesy pick-up lines. What’s really going on: I don’t want to date the next Uni-bomber. Hiding in the corner talking to yourself and shooting me awkward glances…CREEPY. You’re antisocial and I’m afraid. You look like Golem from the Lord of the Rings. I don’t want to be your precious. OR you’re hiding in your basement playing video games and complaining on forums about how you’re too shy. You can’t meet girls while alone on your computer talking with other “shy” guys. Lara Croft will not jump out of the screen and under your Star Trek comforter. Stop looking for advice and talk to a real life person. I hope my advice has helped you because I know the hoops you have to go through just to get laid. But bear warning. This is just advice. I am not writing this to get lucky myself. If you email me, I will exchange flirtatious and witty emails with you, meet up with you at a local Starbucks, then kick you in the balls and walk out. Good Luck! robot@craigslist.org 2005-08-08T14:07:46-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/89767740.html Rant: Advice on Romantic Advice text RE: Am I really that broke... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/80321529.html The Vancouver poverty scale, by yearly income: $100k-80k: Poor. You can barely afford your studio Yaletown apartment. You have to shop at Choices instead of Urban Fare. Your dog gets groomed at the budget Dog Shoppe. When you meet your friends for lunch, you're embarassed because you have to go back to work afterwards, while they go shopping. $79k-60k: Abjectly poor. You can't even afford to live in Yaletown, but you lie and say your Howe St. apartment is in "West Yaletown". Safeway gets your grocery business, and you can't even afford the expensive european cheeses. You have a pet goldfish, but he doesn't eat too well. $59-40k: Really fucking poor. You share your 1 bedroom West End apartment with a roommate you found on Craigslist. You've never even been to Urban Fare, and the security guard at SuperValu watches you suspiciously to make sure you don't steal a roast chicken as you leave. The only pet in your life is the heavy petting that you do down at Seymour and Davie for a little extra cash. $39k and less. No one makes less than this. It's just not possible. You'd be dead by now. Or even worse, like living in Chilliwack. robot@craigslist.org 2005-06-22T12:43:15-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/80321529.html RE: Am I really that broke... text Y-Dubbers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/76640183.html So I swim laps at the Y-Dub downtown and I’ve noticed several odd things about people... The other weekend I see another young female getting ready for her swim while I was getting ready to leave. She’s got a little string bikini on, so I’m thinking she’s pulling a sauna or steam room day. But no….. I’m watching out of the corner of my eye while I dry my hair… she puts on a swim cap AND goggles. hrm.. I tried to validate this with, Okay, so she’s taking a dip in the pool and doesn’t want chlorine eating her hair, and the goggles, well, no one likes their eyes to burn. But REALLY, I can say I’m not an avid swimmer, but I do my fair share of 750-1000m each time, and if you do laps in the pool, why would you wear a string bikini??? The bathing suit that allows for minimal movement and shifting of body parts?!?!?? It’s beyond me. I’m actually curious how she managed to pull off a front stroke. Every w/e and the occasional after work session, I see a lady walk in like we’re at Skybar or Balthazar on a Sunday. That’s not the problem. The problem ISN’T even that she comes in with those RIDICulous stiletto flip flops (no, I don’t like them… but that’s only on me, just don’t ever ask me if I like the pair you’re wearing). The problem isn’t her insanely put-together matching workout outfit. The problem is when she slips out of those stiletto flip flops and into FLAT flip flops, then treks up the stairs to the workout rooms. What?? Do I even need to point out what’s so bizarre here?? One can only assume she doesn’t a) run b) lift weights c) move her feet!?!?? My coworker. Don’t get me wrong, I adore her because she reminds me of my mom. But I get a good laugh when I see her back at lunch at 1230, and she tells me she’s already gone for a swim. She’s not the endurance/speed type of person, more like the breaststroke lady that doesn’t like to get her hair wet. It humors me that she probably raises her heart rate more from changing quickly than from the actual swimming. But I applaud her exercise. And this, guys and dolls, is the best. The ladies that stand around doing everything else but getting dressed. I’ve had the privilege of running into several of these that use the HAIRDRYERS to dry their nether regions!!!! Gross!!! To know that the hairdryer that I used might have come within a couple millimeters, or hell, probably touched that impenetrable forest of your pubes, is really disturbing. Don’t you own a TOWEL??!? And the fact that you just came out of the shower doesn’t really help, because from the looks of it, you don’t even venture there to wash it yourself. Really, are you trying to hide some garden nomes in there?? Please, please don’t taint the rest of the hairdryers. For my sanity. Maybe this was too much info on the innards of the ladies change room. This wasn’t so much a rant as just some things that make me wonder what people are thinking. On a side note, will someone turn down/off the A/C in this office so I don’t have to wear a freaking sweater when it’s actually 20 degrees out?!? robot@craigslist.org 2005-06-02T12:04:59-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/76640183.html Y-Dubbers text A Note to Women Shoppers Everywhere http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/71496019.html Here is a guide to shopping in clothing stores: -- When approaching a table of sweaters, where it appears that a staff member is about 95% done tidying up, it is advisable to ask said staff member to get the size you require. What is not advisable is to tear through recently tidied sweaters just to see what each colour looks like, in each size, after the staff member has offered her help and pointed out the mannequins on the table sporting the sweater. -- If you ask the gal in the fitting rooms to recommend something to go with the pants you are trying on that are obviously 2 sizes too small, why not try on what she recommends instead of knocking down every single item she shows you and proceed to pick out the most heinous and inappropriate top that you can find to show off the rolls of gut and back fat hanging over your pants. -- Don't bring your boyfriend in the fitting rooms. Just don't. -- Here's what pisses off any cashier in an adult clothing store: PST-exempt. For those of you not in the know, children's clothing is PST-exempt, so if you are in an adult store and are buying clothing for your 14 year old daughter, you have to let the cashier know so you can get your instant tax credit, which involves providing your personal information to the government. It is NOT, however, and opportunity for you to save a couple of dollars on your purchase. No, the cashier does not love to see you come out of the fitting rooms with your stacks of clothing, all messy, unbuttoned, inside out... you flagging around your Louis Vuitton purse, 1.5 carats, and bad dye job, letting the poor cashier ring it all through, then sigh, "Oh, did I forget? That's non-tax!" Oh, and then get all worked up because you don't want to provide your personal information. I've got news for you lady, that purse is a knock-off and I hope he's sleeping with his secretary. -- The staff turn the music off and shut the doors for a reason: the store is closed. This is your cue to...... Leave! (I know, who'd a thought....) The staff members grabbing their purses and coats, checking their voicemails, gossiping about boyfriends, that's also a cue the store is closed. -- Do not try and return your worn and washed 20 times clothing. Your pit stains will give you up. Do not get mad at the cashier about it. Do you really think she decided on the return policy? Do you think she gives a shit? Also, don't attempt to return something from last year if the store has a 45-day return policy. As well, if you're exchanging something for the next size up because you never tried on those pants in the first place, please try on the next size up before buying them. Otherwise, the cashier will make a mental note of you and welcome your return the next weekend. Perhaps you were a size 2 in high school, but you haven't worked out in a year and you've had two kids. Buy the goddamn size 6. -- Do not walk into a store and declare how ugly everything is. You would think the staff members are working there because they LIKE the clothing. It's true. And they know which of their stuff is ugly, because let's face it, every store has ugly stuff in it. But if you don't like the clothing, why are you in the store? Because you can't afford anything other than Siren's or Stitches' shit? Or maybe you want some skank ho stuff to wear to the bar? Yeah, I thought so. -- A good portion of staff at any given clothing store are university students. This means they are most likely smarter than you. So don't treat them like shit because you think you're better off as some hot shot with a 9-5 job and benefits. One day, she'll be your boss. -- Get off your FUCKING PHONE when you're paying for something (especially when doing it "non-tax") No, it's not cool to slap your visa down and yatter on to your pal Kiki about how you really need to switch manicurists because the last one did a crap job on filling your slutty-long acrylics. And, oh wait, I've got Dino on the other line, can you hold Kiki? What happenned to manners? -- American women: Welcome to CANADA. In our fair country, we use this currency called CANADIAN DOLLARS. Stores are not banks. As a courtesy, stores often accept American currency at a ridiculously stupid exchange rate as their way of encouraging you to spend your money and fuck you up the ass at the same time. Do not be upset with them for not having American currency as change. Although they may hate you as most Canadians hate Americans in general (aren't we a sweet bunch?) they do not do this on purpose. Y'all come back real soon, y'hear. -- Do not phone a store up telling them that last year .. sometime... um, you think it was the fall.. you spotted a pair of black pants.. or were they grey?... And ask if they still have them in your size and if they were on sale. Or maybe they could phone all over the country to the outlet locations to see if they could transfer them back in. I could think of plenty more, but perhaps I'll save them for Rant Numero Deux. robot@craigslist.org 2005-05-03T14:55:03-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/71496019.html A Note to Women Shoppers Everywhere text Umbrellas repaired for... a pineapple! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/71198445.html I know there aren't that many of us that offer this in town. So I've been mending umbrellas as a hobby. I went through about a dozen so far. None of the ones I mended ripped on the same spot again - but I think some ripped in other spots... Ha! No guarantees that you'll get exactly the same results, but you can give it a try... What have you got to lose? A pineapple! (Another Ha!) That's right I want a pineapple (with NO bruises on the sides or blue molds on the bottom please) for my time and effort. I can mend max. 2 spines for 1 pineapple. If I have to mend 3 spines, then you have to add a tree ripened papaya to the above. ( Tree ripened papayas are different than "normal" papayas. They're more expensive. I can tell you from where you can get them if you don't know... Or if you can't find a tree ripened papaya then I'd take 2 normal papayas instead. ) And if your umbrella has 4 or more ripped spines... ... then you have to ask yourself why you're still keeping the damn thing! ;) Anyhow I hope you're smiling by now. This is still a genuine offer; if you've been reluctant to throw away that trusty umbrella (and I'm not talking about the $2.99 variety) let me take a look at it and I can tell you if I can fix it. Get it done while it's still sunny out... because do you think I'd be asking for a pineapple for this in winter? ;) Fine print: I can meet you only in downtown Vancouver. Not interested in travelling to the boonies. Oh, you'll also need to bring a roll of waxed dental floss with you... (No worries, you'll get to keep it in the end. But you'll still need to bring it with you. It won't be to floss my teeth. And you'll still be able to stick it into your mouth after I'm done with it.) Some people and their weird requests, eh? robot@craigslist.org 2005-05-02T01:18:30-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/71198445.html Umbrellas repaired for... a pineapple! text For you who continually send me pics of your kids http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/70417844.html Dear Proud Parent(s), I can't tell you what a surprise and a delight it was to receive the picture(s) of your child(ren). It seems like only yesterday when young [your child(ren)'s name(s)] was/were little more than [ ] a hasty, sweaty grope in the dark. [ ] a wrinkled, dripping babe in arms. [ ] an uncontrollable, havoc-wreaking hellion. But time flies, n'est-ce-pas? And suddenly before you know it, the little tyke is [ ] cute as an overfed piglet. [ ] plug-ugly jail bait in the making. [ ] exactly the same as in the last three dozen pictures you sent. Indeed, the family resemblance is remarkable, and in his/her/their face(s) I'm sure I can make out unmistakable indications of [ ] you. [ ] your spouse/partner. [ ] some third party to be publicly named after the DNA results are in. I can see from the picture(s) that the little bundle(s) of joy is/are going to be every bit as nice as [ ] your first kid. [ ] your first two kids. [ ] the rest of the screaming horde. As you know I have no children, and am unfamiliar with the joys and trials of parenthood. So I just have to ask -- have you [ ] picked out a name for the little one already? [ ] managed to raise bail yet? [ ] ever heard of zero population growth? Well, I guess I had better go now as some fabulously interesting singles' activity is probably calling me away, though nothing as exciting, I'm sure, as changing nappies or picking up expensive, broken toys. So in closing let me just say that [ ] it was great hearing from you. Again. [ ] it's time you got a grown-up life. [ ] I have gone blind from syphilis, so don't bother sending any more pictures. [ ] Love & kisses, [ ] Yo, [ ] Regrets, ____________________________ robot@craigslist.org 2005-04-27T01:51:27-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/70417844.html For you who continually send me pics of your kids text Fuck you Commercial Drive http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/64885541.html Seriously fuck Commercial Drive and its fucking Commercial Drive-ness. Fuck those fucking pit bull crosses everywhere and the fucking French-Canadians they are attached to. Fuck the shit left on the curb by the fucking stank ass hippies who can't even keep their own environs clean, never mind the fucking planet. Fuck Continental coffee and the fucking coffee klatch that takes up the whole fucking sidewalk with their tangle of fucking mongrel dogs and overloaded SUV fucking style mega-strollers. Fuck the fucking righteous pedestrians who don't understand a fucking turn signal and walk anyway. Fuck that kilt wearing scooter pushing former courier dress like a fucking air-raid siren freak-show. Fuck the freak-shows and their fucking pincushion arms with ants under the skin and stolen cds in their pockets and fucking cup with fucking other peoples money in it. Fuck those fucks on the fucking loud Harleys and fuck that fuck in the lowered fucking yellow truck. Jesus Christ what the hell is that. A stupid fucking hobby that's what. Fuck the crazy people. Yeah you heard me shuffler. I'm tired of seeing you do your fucking laps of commercial drive with that fucking buzzed out, shook heads with a hammer look all day. Fucking conform and break into houses already you shiftless fuck. Fuck you fucking bull dykes. Honestly, looking like a fucking lumberjack was never a good look, not even for fucking lumberjacks. Fuck you people with those fucking chains on your wallet. What the fuck, they're pulling your pants down. Fuck those fucking Euro-mod-scooter fucks who show up from god knows where and infest the sidewalk every now and then. Fuck you fucking wake and bakes with your fucking devil sticks and hoola-hoops. Get off the playground you self-medicated poor rich kids and take your parental financed patchouli stench with you. Cobs bread you're okay. Except for that fucking bell you ring when you've accomplished the unimaginable and baked fresh fucking bread in your fresh fucking bread bakery. And while I'm on fucking bakeries. Fuck you Fratelli's and your fucking order system that encourages all these Commerical Drive fucks to cut lines whereever possible so they can get their half dozen rolls and Happy Birthday Asia/Jasmine/Freedom/some fucking deep meaningful Irish or some heritage bullshit name, a full 30 fucking seconds before they are supposed to. Fuck Wazubee for being so expensive. Fuck Havana because seriously, fuck that place. Fuck the falafel place for the bandaid in the fucking falafal - you know who you are. Fuck the video rental place for smelling like cat pee. Fuck the french fry place for being fucking frigid. And holy fuck, fuck the whole goddamn Broadway Skytrain station into a giant blackhole of magnificent fuck-offery.  <table><tr><td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/aF/Fq/zjueR60MdAkv9ls4EflkEM2s6Fdm.jpg"></td> <td align=center> </td></tr> <tr><td align=center> </td> <td align=center> </td></tr></table>  this is in or around Fucking Commercial Drive robot@craigslist.org 2005-03-21T23:29:29-08:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/64885541.html Fuck you Commercial Drive text For free: Object http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/37554098.html I have an object here that I'm dying to get rid of. It's made of material and is about so big. Origin unclear, purpose vague or misunderstood. Ideal for something. Has never let me down. Then again, has never let me up, either. Would easily fit inside something else and could, possibly, allow other things to fit inside it. It boasts an exterior surface, a top-side, a bottom-side, and assorted vertical planes. There is no handle that I can discern. Responds well to gravity and inertia. Take this damn thing off my hands. It's driving me nuts. this is in or around City robot@craigslist.org 2004-07-26T21:22:19-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/van/37554098.html For free: Object text