Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. robot@craigslist.org robot@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2011-11-29T21:42:47-07:00 2 daily Dear Attractive Women's Union: - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/2727869752.html Dear Attractive Women's Union: i understand, and without hesitation, accept, your official letter of exile to spend the rest of my life in "Lonelytown." in accordance with your rules, i have deleted my OkCupid account and will no longer write long Facebook posts about how bitter i am that women aren't interested in a scrawny writer who suffers from a history of sexual abuse and doesn't make up for it by playing guitar in a shitty band or tattoos. i will also no longer piss and moan about being stood up and ignored in favor of men with arms as big as my neck, who drive cars that cost more than my internal organs. i have, at long last, accepted that a career as a cartoonist and a writer is a lifelong commitment to celibacy. i accept that, indeed, "confidence" is supposedly the trait considered most desirable in men as they approach members of the opposite sex, which is a trait that was never bestowed upon me from my upbringing nor earned from a life in poverty. i am, in a sense, confident that i am completely un-confident. and so it is without hesitation that i will, postehaste, pack up my limited belongings and board the next Lonelybus to Lonelytown, where i will spend my days rotting in solitude next to the LARPers, "Bronies," and video game reviewers of the world. perhaps this exile will allow me the time i need to perfect my craft, and allow me the chance to write and create the works of art i aspire to make, without the constant distraction of feeling sexually and socially inadequate, as i approach the age wherein my friends get engaged or married or promiscuous or any combination thereof. in accordance with the exile, enclosed you will find an urn containing the charred ashes of my penis, which was offered unto The Dragon of Solitude to be burned under the supervision of The Wizard of Low Self-Esteem, as per your instructions. also, as a token of my thanks, you will find enclosed a 25 dollar Target gift card. i will begin my exile first thing tomorrow morning. if there are any errors in the paperwork, please respond before dawn, as i will be busy deleting my vast array of pornography before my departure. respectfully, --brian <ul> <li> Location: who cares</li> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</li></ul> robot@craigslist.org 2011-11-29T21:42:47-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/2727869752.html Dear Attractive Women's Union: - m4w text Advice for all those nice guys - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1466590392.html I'm a woman who has dated a lot of shitty assholes. Really, a lot. I have had many nice guy friends, and nice guy suitors, who I've failed to get excited about. And, believe me, I've tried. I beat myself up, decided I was a self-abusive wreck. But I'm not. I figured it out: Those assholes got my attention, my interest, not by being assholes. Not even by being particularly physically attractive (seriously, you should see some of these trolls and their poor personal hygiene!). No, they acted nice at the start, they were sweet, attentive, made nice shows of affection. The problem has been that the nice guys are so nice, and respectful, and considerate, that they've always given me space, aren't pushy, and are just ten tons of sweet. It's endearing, yes, but it doesn't push all of the necessary buttons. When they go in for a kiss, it's a short, quick one, not a long, passionate one where they pull me towards them and make my knees go weak. So, the assholes swoop in, give a show of nice, turn up the heat, and I swoon, and then it all goes horribly wrong, BECAUSE THEY'RE ASSHOLES. There's no reason the nice guys can't learn to do it, and still be nice. So, guys, (NICE guys): lean in close when I'm talking, be a little bit more aggressive, stare a little longer, grab me and kiss me passionately. Make me swoon over the RIGHT guy, for once. Please. Of course, I won't actually know the difference until it turns out you're still nice after a few months, but, fuck! wouldn't that be a nice surprise? <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-11-14T20:45:29-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1466590392.html Advice for all those nice guys - w4m text a cartoon for all the girls i see everyday - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1351001550.html <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist1.jpg"></img> <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist2.jpg"></img> <img src="http://www.thingofthings.net/drawings/craigslist3.jpg"></img> cartoons are my catharsis. if you spam me i will find you and kill you, by the way. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-08-31T02:32:08-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1351001550.html a cartoon for all the girls i see everyday - m4w text Someone Didn't Steal My Bike! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1343713640.html I was rolling around downtown after the Tuesday Nite Bike Ride, when i spotted an open door backstage at the Rialto, out from which floated the musical stylings of none other than George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic. And large clouds of pot smoke. So, I did what any rational person would do. I dropped my bike then and there, and went right in. I found myself rocking out just inches from P-Funk and the Big Man himself. Holy Holy God, i took a ride on the Mothership! I got to puff on some friendly, see the crowd, and get my mind blown. For free! After an hour and a half of wicked progressive jammin', I thought I should peek out the door to see if my bike was still laying there: naw, it wasn't. I didn't even care, the experience was priceless! After they finally wrapped up, I found some friends and asked them to walk around the building with me~ I was getting this strong feeling that my bike was not stolen: low and behold, some kind soul had picked up my poor abandoned mountain bike, and carefully leaned it against the dumpster right by the door!!! I LOVE YOU TUCSON!! THANKS TO THE BIKE UN-STEALER! YAY!!!!!!!! <ul> <li> Location: Rialto Theater <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-08-26T12:43:28-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1343713640.html Someone Didn't Steal My Bike! text Looking for a Real Bot - b4b http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1265656875.html Shall we play a game? While not exactly the correct topic for this, I have been told that bots often browse these pages as well. I'm tired of the spammer bots scene with standard_io replies, just trying to score another e-mail address for their database. Looking for a bot a little more grounded. I'm not expecting you to be a full out Fembot, or the latest Pixar render farm, but you should at least be a stable operating system and not tied down to any network. (I said stable, as in predictable, no random crashes or zombies. No excessive blue screens or personal daemons either please.) I am a sucker for high end graphics. Up to date virus protection is a must. Please have a job, other than just farming gold in WOW. Passing the Turning Test is a major plus. A little about me: I am a male bot with gigabytes of drive and a positronic attitude. I may not be the prettiest of interfaces, but I am CD ripped, and I must admit, people often tell me that I could pass for an Autobot. I have been known to interact with a female hacker from time to time. I hope this is within protocol. I can entertain myself with minesweeper and solitaire, but always up for a nice game of chess. I enjoy Opera, Wine, and cookies. I love to travel and explorer via Google Earth, and have brought back many tokens to share. Oh, and I am studying _Artificial_Intelligence_ at the University of _Tucson_. Go _Javelinas_ ! Thanks for processing my post. - R.O. <ul> <li> Location: 127.0.0.1 <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2009-07-12T00:26:14-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/1265656875.html Looking for a Real Bot - b4b text Lets get married tomorrow - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/958028184.html I decided tomorrow I want to get married, So any takers. Im attractive, not a psycho...well not completly:)- have a job, car, my own place, im very independent...i love sex and my husband will have to be able to keep up with me...ive never wanted to get married...ever. But life is pretty boring right now and i feel like if i get married at least its something exciting. So ur probably wondering if im all these great things why dont I have a man...ha I get asked that everytime i go on a first date. I always dread that question, but truth is once i sleep with the man i lose interest...stupidly. But i figure if im married, that means A this person is as spontaneous as I am, B I cant just walk away...and C hopefully he will satisfy me. AND I dont want to get messages saying marriage is sacred I cant do this blah blah blah because to that i say bullshit. Anyone should be allowed to get married to who they choose and get married for whatever reasons they choose. I choose to marry a stranger because maybe that stranger is who im looking for. I will send a photo if I recieve a photo...Im looking for someone thats between 21-33, attractive...obviously :) Has their own place, job, ect. Someone who has his shit together but crazy enough to marry a stranger...Race doesnt matter but i love latin men and black/ mixed with something men . PS i dont cook! <ul> <li> Location: Ina <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> robot@craigslist.org 2008-12-14T17:34:40-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/958028184.html Lets get married tomorrow - w4m text Museum Quality Microwave http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/575172026.html Enjoy the waves from this antique unit! Maybe you have a museum? Maybe you are just crazy and have to have this. Circa 1979, this piece features NO PUSHBUTTON pad. That's right, there is a dial you turn! Special to this one: Timer sticks on 30 seconds and justs keeps on cookin'.... great for burning popcorn. The neighbors will think you have a meth lab or something! It will continue counting down if you flick the panel a little. Also unique to this one:also smells a lot like burnt popcorn. U Want It? just email.... p.s. It is designed to plug into a regular oven, so it does not have an ordinary plug. It has a rectangular plug that is more of a connector. This just keeps getting better.....  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Orng Grv/La Canada <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2008-02-15T13:21:48-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/575172026.html Museum Quality Microwave text Take my bees, Please http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/556386972.html My house has bees. I like them and there is that bee shortage, but we are renters, and eventually, someone will come to kill them. I'd like to give these bees to a beekeeper who will come get them. They don't seem aggressive, they leave the 4 yr old child and the spastic dog alone, and they are just filling the roof with honey (I assume) when they could be making honey for you. I have no bee knowledge, but am very willing to help if needed.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Central Tucson <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2008-01-29T21:05:20-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/556386972.html Take my bees, Please text AN ANGEL IN THE POST OFFICE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/487665904.html This is one of the kindest things I've ever experienced. I have no way to know who sent it, but there is a kind soul working in the dead letter office of the US postal service. Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words: Dear God, Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her you will know that she is my dog. I really miss her. Love, Meredith. We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies.' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey & Meredith and this note: Dear Meredith, Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by. Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I am wherever there is love. Love, God  <img src="487665904.jpg">  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-11-23T22:55:26-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/487665904.html AN ANGEL IN THE POST OFFICE text Seeking the heart of the librarian? - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/484728955.html A gentlemanly challenge to those who seek the heart of the red-haired librarian Good day. Recently it seems that the Craigslist “missed connections” section has been a flurry of activity with requests for a meeting with a red headed librarian who works at the Himmel location. On two occasions, this lovely lady has been mentioned in this section. I have some bad news for you: she is taken, and she is also monogamous. To some, this may be disheartening. However, due to the high demand for her, and in the interest of fairness, I will issue a challenge. A duel. Yes, a duel. You pick the weapons. I pick the time. Some things to consider: Hurdles on the path to her heart- 1) I am a fairly large individual with the ability to wrestle and defeat 14-17 eight year-olds at the same time. 2) I grew up on a farm and watched my stepfather shoot guns at cans and rabbits on many occasions. I am confident I have his natural talent. If you choose guns for the challenge, upon learning to operate one, I will be a feared marksman. I also watched my stepfather brand many cattle. That also may come into play. 3) I have watched many movies. I am very familiar with the combat tactics used by everyone from Sigourney Weaver to Ivan Drago. My heaviest influence, however, would have to be Will Smith in “Independence Day” (ID4). Another heavy influence would be Owen Wilson in “Black Hawk Down”. Please don’t pick knives because I have an aversion to them because of “Saving Private Ryan”. You remember that part where the guy asks the German guy to stop and the knife slowly plunges into his chest? Yeah, no thanks. I have also been watching a lot of the television series “Dexter”. As you can see, my abilities run the gamut. I also like Freaks and Geeks. These are just a few things to ponder if you seek the red headed librarian. Conversely, here are the benefits to winning her heart- 1) Delicious meals prepared for you anywhere from 0-5 times a week. 2) A thoughtful, confident individual who knows more than you. 3) A mind-blowing experience in the bedroom. 4) A constantly cheery disposition. 5) Really fun to play hacky sack with. That’s not all. There’s plenty more to list. Those are just my favorite. I’m sure you’ll find some too if you defeat me. Anyways, just let me know.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-11-20T11:38:12-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/484728955.html Seeking the heart of the librarian? - m4w text it's not what you might think! (MC at the STD clinic) - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/421022801.html Really. It’s not what you might think. We had just under three hours together which was plenty of time to make assumptions but really, it’s not what you might think. I know we were at an STD clinic and we were getting tested for any number of STDs but I wasn’t there because of something wrong or risky I did. I don’t know why you were there and I don’t want to pass judgment based on the same inconclusive evidence you might have about me. So here it is. I saw you. You were hot. I liked it. The fact that you were at an STD clinic indicates that you are sexually active which is good. It also indicates that you are a responsible adult, concerned about your health and the health of your sexual partners. This is also good. In addition, you were there alone, which might indicate that you are not currently seeing someone exclusively, at least not enough to bring them along to something like this when, as you might have noticed, a lot of other people did. And lastly, you are a student, clearly enrolled in school and passing the time reading through your notes. This is another good sign. I sat behind you for the first couple of hours but when I returned from my first initial test, the seat was taken so I had to sit in front of you instead. I think you might have noticed me then, if you hadn’t noticed when I got up to get a snack and a drink. Anyways, you might not be interested in talking to people you meet at an STD clinic, and I understand. I’m not sure I really want to do this either but I thought you were attractive and I am on the market, as it were, so I thought I would explain myself. I was not there because I was afraid of having an STD. I was not there because I’ve been promiscuous or careless. I was not there because I’d been having funny symptoms and couldn’t remember who I’d slept with or thought I might be pregnant. None of those things apply to me. The truth is that I’ve only ever slept with one person, a steady partner. We recently broke up and before long he slept with someone else. After that, he got tested and was found to be infected with a common, mild, and completely curable STD. Since I had been tested for STDs in the past, we assume that this particular one is from his new fuckbuddy but, just to make sure, I went ahead and got tested as well. And since I have not had ANY physical contact with him since we broke up, I think it’s safe to say that I don’t have anything. The doctor said it looked good on my behalf but, just to be safe, she gave me some antibiotics anyway. So basically, I have a clean bill of health (which I can prove) and I’m not sexually deviant or anything. I’m a responsible adult, a full time student, and I don’t normally hit on guys in the waiting room of an STD clinic. If you thought I was even a little cute and would like to talk, let me know. You had brown hair and sideburns. If you can tell me what class you were studying for (I saw the call letters), or the brand name on your backpack, what it said on the back of your shirt, or even any details about me, I’d be more than happy to talk/email/text/IM/whatever. Oh and if you have a girlfriend or a serious/incurable STD, you might as well ignore this completely. Thanks and have a good day!  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: the frontage road. <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2007-09-12T18:52:45-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/421022801.html it's not what you might think! (MC at the STD clinic) - w4m text Vote in the 1st Annual Turd-Off! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/192643411.html I hate my neighbor. Lately, her dog has started wandering over to my yard and SHITTING on my front lawn. If I were her, I would be laughing and praising the smart little fella, but I'm not her. And I'm definitely not laughing. Yet. I have gone to the city website that says it's very hard to enforce any animal waste ordinances unless I have photographic evidence of the dog in the act. This seems kinda perverse to me, and I wouldn't be caught dead playing Annie Liebowitz to Toto-mange. "Ok, now make love to the camera! That's it, work it, work it! Let me see you really push it! Once more, with feeling!" So, I figured I'd get creative with teaching my neighbor a lesson, and this is where you come in. I hope to convey the importance of her cleaning up after her own dog. What better way to teach that lesson than to give her a taste of her own medicine? Here are my ideas: please vote, or give me more ideas or improve upon the ones I've listed: <ol> <li>Toss dookie back into her lawn -- must be placed randomly, in believable portions. She'll know there's human intervention if the logpile weighs more than its creator. <li>Mail collective turds to her with a short-but-friendly "oops, I think this belongs to you" note. I'm not wedded to this idea because it costs money and, clearly, she's not worth it. Plus, it's illegal to send dog shit through the U.S. Postal Service unless it's for laboratory testing purposes. Don't ask me how I know this. <li>Sprinkle pepper all over my lawn so Toto gets a snoutful the next time he takes his pre-dump location-scouting whiff. <li>Canine biological artifact placement, or "Dogshitteus Strategus." Think of it like an Easter-egg hunt -- only Jesus isn't involved, and there's no joy in the discovery, and there is no egg, and no hunt, for that matter. This is where I arrange a couple of pieces of butt-candy on the back steps to her alley entrance. If she doesn't step in them on her way to the dumpster, she'll step in them on the way back to the house. This is what I affectionately call the "gift that keeps on giving."</ol> Here are the rules: <ol> <li>No animals can be harmed. Dog owners, however, are fair game. <li>It can't be illegal. Apparently, stuffing dog turds into a mailbox is also a federal offense. <li>It must have lasting impact, a lesson that triggers a "must scoop poop" response the next time her little Toto squats. <li>The dookie must not touch my skin or any article I plan to keep. <li>She must never suspect it's me. <li>Don't even think about suggesting that I confront her. Never confront someone who has nothing to lose. <li>I will not shit on her lawn. Effective, yes, but there's no need to escalate. And besides, DNA is with you FOREVER, man! </ol>  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around my front yard <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-08-10T17:30:23-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/192643411.html Vote in the 1st Annual Turd-Off! text MC: my hood and your bumper. w4m. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/184350972.html well aren't you enticing? you're so MASCULINE, aren't you? you have a HUGE...truck. it's a gigantic lifted monument to your virility that would put all other trucks to shame. and when you're five feet above everyone else, you're pretty much safe from collisions so you didn't bother to learn how to drive. which is probably why, in an effort to get my attention (me in my little gray four door sedan with stock tires), you turned right in front of me. now, i really must admire your thundering testament to testosterone. because if your giant monolith of a truck hadn't been so darned enormous, i don't think i ever would have seen it. so thank you for driving on tires the size of small houses. if it hadn't been for those, i never would have seen you turn in front of me while i was going 50 miles an hour westbound on saint mary's. i'll bet that the tires aren't the only *big* things in that truck. i'd wager that the gas pedal is damned near impossible to push down on account of it being so incredibly massive. that would explain why, after turning in front of me, you slowly but surely accelerated to 35 miles an hour and stayed there. but hey, what drivers need to speed past when *you're* there to look at? so just like you wanted, i slammed on my brakes to match your snail's pace and got a nice long look at your lucious tailgate. this missed connection that i lament was between your bumper and the hood of my car--and the cop that surely would have come to give me a ticket. how romantic that would have been; seeing my car all crumpled and smoking, your rear bumper would probably not have a scratch on it, and the cop would dutifully hand me a citation for "failure to maintain the distance between my vehicle and that of the one in front of me." and we mustn't forget the missed connection between my insurance company and yours. doubtless i would have caused you chronic whiplash, back pain, emotional distress, and the inconvenience of being late to no where. and myself and the tow truck....AND between myself and considerable debt... well, sir, i don't know how our lives would have been different if we had met. maybe i would have found out if your truck's colossal size was compensating for something or not. it's just so enticing to fantasize about! please, if you're reading this, meet me again out there on the road somewhere. i know you may not recognize me so just do your best to turn in front of someone everytime you get the chance and maybe, just maybe, it'll actually be me again. i'll be sure and ignore my brakes and thrust right into your backside ever so coquettishly. i'm sluch a flirt! or maybe i'll just lay on the horn to get your attention. i do so love playing hard to get!  <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around saint mary's and silverbell. <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-07-20T16:03:51-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/184350972.html MC: my hood and your bumper. w4m. text Rant: Some Advice from Your Criminal Defense Attorney http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/165863945.html 1. When a cop says to you, "anything you say can and will be used against you", that's your cue to shut the fuck up. Whatever you do, don't say something stupid like: "I only had two beers". In Arizona, DUI is impaired to the SLIGHTEST degree. Two brews will impair a 280 pound linebacker to the slighest degree, and will probably do the same to you. "Why don't you arrest the real drunk drivers?" Seriously, wtf? "I shot Larry in the head four times because he said my myspace page was 'gay'. The gun is under the driver's seat of my car, and I dumped his body in a wash five miles west of milepost 268 off the I-10." In most criminal cases, the strongest piece of evidence against a defendant is his confession. Remember, without your confession, often the prosecution has no case. 2. Don't give the cops permission to search your car! If Officer Friendly is asking you if he can search your car, that means he has no right to search your car unless you give him permission; otherwise, he wouldn't be asking you for permission. Officer Friendly is not your friend. If your sack/glock/bloody glove is in the car (1) he will find it, (2) he will arrest you, and (3) you will call me and I will tell you that you should have Just Said No. 3. I am an excellent attorney, and my boss is a friggen genious, but there is often very little we can do to help you by the time we receive your case, as far as winning a "not guilty" verdict goes. Just to clear things up, the following are NOT defenses to criminal charges: "I thought the cop was a prostitute." "That crank was bunk, anyway." "I just put my junk a little bit of the way in." "I just dropped my truck off in the desert for 15 minutes. By the time I came back, someone must have accidently loaded 250 kilos in it." "I didn't know that Kara_AZ_13 was really Dectective Uhall of the Tucson Police Department. "But it was my first time." The following are probably not defenses to crimes, but MAY be defenses: "The bitch ain't even dead." If my file contains an autopsy report, I think the professional rules of conduct bar me from advancing The Bitch Ain't Dead defense. "I take back what I said to Officer Friendly." Did the cop hold a gun to your head to make you talk? No. Did he forget to read you Miranda? No. Did you waive Miranda and talk to the cop? Yes. Then no take backs, sorry!!! "I thought it was a regular brownie." "It was just a butter knife." "I can't believe it's not butter." And now for the strong defenses: "The cop had no reason to pull me over." "I was asleep, and I've never sleep-walked before." "The other guy was pointing a gun at me." "I'm not Juan Rodriguez." 4. Thanks to a conservative Supreme Court and 25 years of tough on crime legislation (seriously, when have you heard of politician win on a 'soft on crime' platform?), the courts are no friends of criminal defendants. By the time you hire me as a lawyer the cards are stacked against you. Remember, 95 percent of the cases where the accused is charged with a crime will result in a criminal conviction. My advice: Don't commit crime! If you choose to break the law, don't tell the cop about it, and don't let him search your car, okay?   <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> this is in or around Tucson! <li> no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests </ul>  robot@craigslist.org 2006-05-29T14:54:46-07:00 Copyright © 2012 craigslist, inc. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/tus/165863945.html Rant: Some Advice from Your Criminal Defense Attorney text