Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2010, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-12-09T03:11:57-07:00 2 daily Our Connection is Over http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1501848067.html I post this to an open forum, to purge these words from me so they can exist somewhere concrete, out in the Universe, instead of eating away at the corner of my mind when it gets dark and everyone else goes home with whoever they're loving or fucking or both if they're lucky. But it's winter now, so the season of long patio nights and random hookups and breathlessly exciting flings and sweaty sheets and sleepless nights has officially come to a close until the next turn of the seasons. In short, I can no longer distract myself from your absence. You were my best friend. There were others before, and others after, but most of them only served to help me situate and recognize your importance in my life. If ever I get that close to another, I fear they will know me only as I am now, and not as how I got here. You have been my reflection, borne witness to me, helped me gauge my own growth in this long and convoluted life. Four different cities for you, two for me. Two countries on opposite sides of the world in different hemispheres. Plane tickets, train rides, international calling plans, endless conversation, anticipation, disappointment, breakups, makeups, death. Four years. My entire University career. I am indelibly marked with your presence. And now nothing. I felt no more fireworks when we kissed. I pulled away, sickened with myself for trying to fake it. I couldn't fuck you like I meant it anymore. You noticed. You left. And now, I am not lost. I am not sad and I am not afraid. But something has died. I do not love, or laugh, or notice color. I hate the music you like now. I hate myself for not loving you enough. You did nothing wrong, except maybe love me too much, too well. Even at the end, when our hearts were so twisted up we were spitting words unrecognizable to each other, even then you were too good to say what we were both thinking- that I won't find anyone else who loved me as you did. And you're right. Because the kind of love I had with you, the one that remakes your soul into something better, and forces you to recognize and honor the humanity in another person- that kind of love isn't what I'm looking for. I'm going for the cheap ones now. The guys with square jaws and big arms and small brains. They haven't read any philosophy, or possess the gift of playful banter, or looked me in the eyes and focused on my soul. I am not doing Us justice. I am taking the easy way. I am disgusting myself. This is what's meant by falling out of love with someone. This is why half the world walks around heartbroken, glazed over, given up. I almost put that ring on and pretended everything was ok, but you didn't smell right anymore. What Now. <ul> <li> Location: Calgary <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-12-09T03:11:57-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1501848067.html Our Connection is Over text I'll admit it...you got to me... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1433291658.html Dear anonymous craigslist poster looking for love: Your title was catchy. I was intrigued. I would like to respond to your post, and give you a little insight as to my own personal reaction to your personal ad. I thought your preamble was nice, before you launched into a laundry list of what you would like in a woman: 1. Will always be on time or will call when she's be late - Okay. That's reasonable. Sounds good. 2. Will fall asleep in my arms as I read stories to her - Sounds kinda romantic. Can I choose the story? 3. Will let me spoon and rock her to sleep - Spooning sounds alright, but I think the last time I was rocked to sleep I was in diapers... 4. Will spend an entire day perusing book stores looking for anything - Sure! 5. Will trust my judgment - Is this a pre-requisite? 'Cause I gotta get to know you a little before I trust your judgement. I know very few people who's judgement I trust entirely. 6. Will trust me to tell her the truth when she asks how does this look? - Oh dear. I get the feeling you don't like to play that little bullshit game...most men don't. Do you expect me to change my outfit if you don't approve of it? Would you change yours, if you trusted me to give an honest opinion? I have a feeling you would pull out that little "accept me as I am" card. 7. Will let me make her soup when she is sick - You betcha. Why is this a problem? It's only common courtesy, and I would do the same for you. 8. Will let me give her my jacket when she is cold - Aww. Sweet. I trust you will tell me the truth when I ask you how it looks on me. 9. Will let me brush and pull her hair - mmmmkay...so far, I'm getting read stories, being rocked to sleep, being told what looks good on me or not....and now you are brushing my hair....will my hair be getting pulled because you are trying to put pigtails on me? I think you secretly want a daughter.... 10. Will ask my opinion on makeup and clothes- Yup, I'll ask, but I'm beginning to not trust your judgement..( oops. just screwed up request # 5...) why you gotta be so choosy as to how I present myself? Are you sure you don't want a daughter? Hey, look, whatever man, lots of guys of craigslist are into that...they are just prepared to spend money on it. 11. Will entertain my friends- Fer sure! Its a win-win situation! Your friends are gonna LOVE me, since you have personally molded me into your version of dream girl fembot. Is there a pole that I dance on? Or do I just wear a boyfriend-approved apron and serve nachos and beer while y'all are playing video games? Hey, can my friends come over? 12. Will have a life away from me- I guess that answers my question from #11. 13. Will let me be proud of her- I, for the life of me, don't understand how this can be an issue. Did you manage to damage some girls self-esteem so much that she hated herself? 14. Will flirt with others but leave with me- That way, you can rub it into every other guys face that this dreamgirl fembot is YOUR bitch. 15. Will appreciate my off kilter sense of humor- Does this mean you will find a funny way to tell me I look fat in my jeans? Laughter heals all. 16. Will let me kiss her just the way I want to- Yeah, I agree there's give-and take in any physical relationship. What if the way you kiss doesn't turn me on? 17. Will be strong enough to stand on her own yet let me help take of her- I'm strong enough to stand on my own. Good career, financially stable, a supportive network of family and friends. I think what you really meant to say was " Will be strong enough to stand on her own, but let me tell her what to do..." Good luck with that. 18. Will teach me something I don't know- Easy. Did you know Lorne Greene had one of his nipples bitten off by an Alligator? Whew. I passed! 19. Will let me make her dinner- Yup. I think we should share that chore, actually. Oh, you mean you wanted to do it occasionally? I guess I'm making it most of the time.... 20. Will enjoy quiet time in the evenings with me- Of course. As long as I'm wearing boyfriend approved clothes and makeup, and not too exhausted from making dinner, standing on my own, and entertaining your friends. 21. Will think of me when she touches herself- Now you want to control how I masturbate? Jesus. I can only promise you that I'll think of you most of the time, because I've had this one fantasy I've been furiously rubbing the pink to for about five years...damn. Okay, I'll give it all up, as long as you promise to censor your random sexy thoughts as well... 22. Will speak highly of me when I am not around- Insecure much? 23 Will slow dance with me to Classic Motown songs- I can do that! Yay me! 24 Will accept my compliments with grace- Why the hell wouldn't I? They sound like they are going to be few and far between... 25 Will do what she chooses not what other people say she should- Everyone except you, of course. Because I trust your judgement, see? 26. Will have a between being selfless and selfish- I think I know what you are saying here. I believe that's called normal. I'm down with that. Ditto. 27. Will let me hold her hand when walking- Yes. That's sweet. Wait a minute...does it have to be ALL THE TIME? 28. Will let me make love to her- Check. 29. Will let me have sex with her- Double check. 30. Will let me fuck her- I see we have found some common ground. I simply adore fucking. 31. Will let me show her the face of God- Okay, what? Yer buddies with GOD? Dammit all, why don't you ask him to make you a woman, then? Just kidding. I know the whole "face of God' thing is just a figure of speech. Does this have anything to do with all the lovemaking/sex/fucking talk? Sounds a wee bit narcissistic....the only thing I can offer you is to take a journey of self-exploration together.....I guess that just doesn't cut it. 32. Will understand a true artist- Oh shit. That means I'll be supporting us. Glad I'm a woman that can stand on my own, and piggy-back the guy who wants to help take care of me. 33. Will let me be me- Hmm. Does that mean I should accept the fact your crusty socks and paint soaked clothes are going to be tossed all over the house? Can I be me? Some have taken a rather dim view of my acrid wit over the years...but you will love me for me, right? 34. Will have little to no expectations of me- Okay, here's the kicker. This is really what got me going on this. So far, I count 34 expectations you have of me, and we haven't finished going through all of your requests. This doesn't seem very fair. Is this your off-kilter humor shining through? 35. Will appreciate that I love the little things in life- As do I dammit, but some things cost money. Just because your an artist, and can apparently show me the face of God does not mean I'm going to foot the bill ALL the time. 36. Will never drive drunk- No shit. That's pretty serious, and I am sorry for you if you have ever lost anybody due to someone else's stupidity. 37. Will look me in the eye when she says I love you- You have been lied to by someone. Again, I feel sorry for you. 38. Will compliment other women that look good- Yes, I appreciate beauty. However, that does not mean I want a threesome. Nor does it mean I will tolerate you constantly checking out other women in front of me. You only think of me when you jerk off, right? Hypocrite. 39. Will enjoy a night at the theatre or a ho down equally- I think that's whats considered a Freudian slip, right there. Refer to #38. 40. Will encourage me to accomplish the impossible- Oh, for fucks sakes. First, you want to be my daddy, and now I'm supposed to mother you. Hey, I'm all for pursuing dreams, but if you are screwing up my financial security while chasing down your dreams, I will seriously have to kick your ass. Who the hell are you? Richard Heene? 41. Will let me adore her- If you ever find a woman like this, I will be the first in line to adore her. 42. Will share her dreams with me- Okay, so lets refer to #40 here. Will you encourage me to accomplish the impossible, or am I simple allowed to share my dreams, and be the anchor while you pursue yours? 43. Will be proud of me- I think its natural to be proud of the person you love. I also think its natural to love someone unconditionally. It seems like your asking for a lot and not really giving a lot in return. 44. Will know I will do all these things and more for her- Pardon me for being nit-picky here, but out of the above list of 42 items, I see only five or six where you will be willing to do anything. Seriously, how hard is it to "let you be proud of me?" The rest of this list is not-so-clever demands. That's false advertising, my friend. 45. Will appreciate that I took the time to write this- Look at that. You are already looking for applause...because you wrote a personal ad, outlining all the things you want in a woman. People do that every damn day. I have a feeling that if I were ever in a long term relationship with you, I'd constantly be reminded of how you made me soup back in 2009 when I was down with H1N1. Best of luck in your search for love and happiness. <ul> <li> Location: around here <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-10-22T15:18:55-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1433291658.html I'll admit it...you got to me... text Astronaut Needed http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1373376861.html Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go. My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist. The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history. Must be: -physically fit. -mentally sound. -over the age of 18. -a dreamer. -a believer. -not afraid of heights. -not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc. -brave. -no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim. -good eye-sight & hearing. -manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled). -OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time. <ul> <li> Location: Northern Alberta <li> Compensation: $25,000 CASH. <li> This is a contract job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-09-14T03:43:52-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1373376861.html Astronaut Needed text Why there's no "real women" on Casual Encounters - w4mm http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1181045051.html Guys, seriously. I'm tired of reading Casual Encounters ads, when I'm trying to get laid just as much as you are, and all I see are whiny "Bawwww there's no real women on here PS anyone wanna hook up" posts. Here's what you need to do to entice girls into fucking you: 1. State your age. I hate opening up ads and seeing nothing about old you are. Some of us aren't into guys old enough to be our fathers. Some of us aren't into jailbait. 2. Describe yourself. Just saying you have a penis and you want something to put it in isn't nearly enough. How tall are you? Are you black, white, Asian, spotted, what? What colour is your hair? Your eyes? Are you a bodybuilder type, or are you a swimmers-build kind of guy? 3. As nice as your cock is, it isn't the first thing we want to see. If I click on an ad with "pic" next to it, at least show me who'll be sticking it in me. Cocks all start to look the same after a while, you know? Sure, yours is the greatest I've ever had, really--but let's wait until email #2 to see your package. I'm more interested in seeing your face. 4. Don't bitch about bots/scammers/etc. You're going to get those responses anyway, it comes with the territory. 5. We don't expect you to be perfect, so cut us some slack, too. It's nice that you only want to fuck supermodels but there's not that many in Calgary, so saying things like "no fatties allowed you hambeasts" isn't really doing yourself a favour. 6. Women are people, too. Try to remember this when prowling Craigslist for tail. If you can't handle the real responses and emotions involved in consensual sex, try looking in Erotic Services instead to meet your needs. 7. Please, for the love of God, try and respect your mother tongue. The Internet is text-based, so my first impression of you is going to be how you write. Proper grammar, spelling, punctuation, "lol" used as a verb....you wouldn't wear torn sweatpants on a date, would you? This is the same kind of thing. It may seem picky, but women like these sorts of things. Brain cells = sexy. Happy hunting, all! <ul> <li> Location: Calgary <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-20T17:26:50-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/1181045051.html Why there's no "real women" on Casual Encounters - w4mm text Calgary drivers http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/945284421.html I have had it with Calgarians who, in their own horseshoe mustache wearing, 90210 sideburn pomping, drivers seat slouching, wifebeater shirt wearing style think they have more superior driving skills than the average hick. Here are a couple of examples of a typical driving experience on any given day in cowtown: The Substitute Car manufacturers install a small stem with arrows displayed on it located on the left hand side of a steering wheel for one reason. Unfortunately, a large percentage of you don't have the common sense that a Class 5 gave you (if you have the education to have one) to understand what it is for, hence you don't use it. Pull stem down for left, push up for right, not pull wheel to right and left depending on where the closest hockey game is playing. There is nothing more annoying than having Joe Stampede in front of you weaving in and out of lanes without signaling, simply because he is wasting precious hockey time getting to the nearest pub to tell his friends how much he knows about the size differential between Kipper and Iggys dick. The Nascar Just because you went to Canadian Tire, blew your cheque on a $100 performance exhaust and a cheap fuel filter to replace those already rusted onto your 1994 Honda Civic and to make your dick feel larger, doesn’t mean that your car is Nascar worthy or that anyone will mistake you for Mario. It’s pathetic when I see gunners blowing rust up a main road, weaving in and out of traffic just so they can meet their friends waiting at a McDonalds parking lot to tell them how many people they blew away. It is amusing when you think someone actually went through the trouble of replacing his exhaust for 30 extra horsepower, half that if there is rust, foolish enough to think that the lawnmower/bee sound is going to impress those around them. Those exhausts will even be more laughable in about 5 years, about as cool as we thought having an Alpine tape deck was 15 years ago. A word of advice: Buy a real car without having to decorate the piece of shit you already have. The Communicator It has been 25 years since it was first introduced, but Calgarians and everyone else in the world still think it is the cats meow to be seen on a cell phone. They will risk their life trying to maneuver their vehicle on the road while using it, walk through any public area in an otherwise private conversation using it, and sooner or later they will be able to swim with one so everyone around can see how “uber-cool” you really are. Bluetooth developed the technology for one reason: to get the phone off your ear. It is popular, but not so much for people who are still caught up in the 80’s in the fantasy that people might think you are on a tight agenda at 18 while shopping for a new pair of plastic earrings at Wal-Mart. They are the ones I see who are much too cool to have a wireless transmitter in their ear. I just hope someday that my cell phone will make me as awesome as they are and people will only then understand why I am driving all over the road, slumped in my seat while looking around to verify that people notice I am talking on the latest verge of communication technology from 25 years ago. The Bumper Sticker Driving mere inches away from my bumper is not going to make me go any faster. It may have worked for you last night when someone couldn’t see the impatient bastard behind them and pulled to the other lane to let you pass, but it will never work when you are on my watch. I am ahead of you for a reason, so suck it up or pull over and take a breather. If anything, I will be all the more eager to slowing down only to piss your ass off even more. I see you in my rear view, and waving your hands or dancing like it’s senior prom isn’t going to make me fear the choleric prick behind me that is you. The Illuminator High beam headlights are meant for improving visibility for the road ahead, generally for long distances to avoid animals which may wander into your path or when there is poor visibility due to weather. As important as you might think you are, especially with your new Xenon Halogen headlights blinding towards me on a main road, only reminds me of the little sense you have for using them on an otherwise clear night. The Christopher Columbus Sunday drives are great, as long as you have some idea where you are going. If you don’t, get a map. Wandering aimlessly, looking around for something you have no clue of finding is pointless. Unless you know the address, don’t leave home without one. The Surveyor So someone had a case of misfortune and caused an accident, but that doesn’t give you a right to assess the situation and make traffic even worse by slowing down. Looking at an accident isn’t going to help them, and there is no response team waiting up ahead for your two cents. Keep moving. The Clown If you never had enough time to put on all your makeup before you left, attempting to finish it on your way to your destination only tells me you have too much to hide, like consideration for the road for instance. If you don’t make it a habit to pee in your drivers seat, obviously your car isn’t a bathroom and you can wait to paint when you park. The Messenger Yelling at me through a closed window because your dick is too small or my car is everything yours will never be is not my problem. I am not a lip reader, so if you have something to say, try being all you can be and wave me to the nearest exit. The Cenobite Having bumper stickers that read “Jesus lives” or “Jesus Saves” or “God hates Calgary drivers too” is not going to make you holier than thou. Some extremists here have even hand painted religious rhetoric on their vehicles, probably in the false belief that God will spare their Volkswagon, their vegetables, fuzzy dice and yellow Crocs simply because he appreciated the fact that they visited Paint Your World. The Conductor Even though your time is so precious, sitting on a railroad track in traffic is not going to make you go faster in the direction you are going. Rather, if you get hit, you are going to find it a little difficult to switch lanes without signaling, pass everyone else, be uber-cool on your cellphone, ride my bumper, blind me, wonder where you are, ponder accidents, put on your face, yell at me and praise the lord all while the train is pushing your 1994 Honda Civic into oblivion. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-04T16:12:27-07:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/945284421.html Calgary drivers text Hot girl for hot guy! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/774488152.html Hi! I'm a level 44 female blood elf (will be 50 this weekend) seeking my true love. Long dark red hair, sexy red lips, and I can bust a move like you've never seen. Must be from Duskwood server, where I am. Specifically looking for a male blood elf or undead to rock my world (of warcraft). Bonus points if you're a 70 and have any of your epics above teir 4. No trolls!!! Send me an email with your name and we can go on a date. There is a cute little spot in the Barrens I would love to bring a date. Maybe set up a fire and drink some volatile rum? See where things go from there. See you soon! <img src="774488152.1.jpg"> <img src="774488152.2.jpg"> <ul> <li> Location: Azeroth <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-29T08:22:33-06:00 Copyright 2010, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/clg/774488152.html Hot girl for hot guy! text